


Butterflies

by Tabitha Craft (Tabithacraft), Tabithacraft



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Butterflies, College Student Clarke Griffin, College Student Lexa, Eventual Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Slow Burn, Uninterested Lexa, zero attraction to more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-15 15:39:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8062060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabithacraft/pseuds/Tabitha%20Craft, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabithacraft/pseuds/Tabithacraft
Summary: Clarke is constantly annoyed by Lexa Woods, the know-it-all who is always waving her hand in the air and correcting professors. Lexa is unimpressed with Clarke. They don't like each other but somehow end up spending time together, and things change, progress, evolve. They'll never be more than what they are because Lexa wants butterflies and Clarke doesn't give her them. Clexa without instant attraction and unfathomable lust, with expectation versus reality. A different kind of love story.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My email anon](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+email+anon).



> This is something different. Clarke and Lexa don't have instant attraction and they don't "know" they should be together. There's no instant friendship either. It's a different kind of love story. 
> 
> Thanks to Jaelle90. And this is for my anon:)
> 
> It's all written and I'll post every two-three days. There are 5 parts, each with two moments which are titled. I love comments. And kudos. Who doesn't? :-)

Butterflies

**One**

Clarke bit back her irritation as the dark haired girl raised her hand yet again. Lexa Woods - resident know-it-all. The girl was dominant, confident and bossy and as far as Clarke was concerned, extremely annoying. It wasn't that Clarke didn't know a thing or two herself - she was smart and confident as well. But there were ways to be in class and always raising your hand, always pushing for more, always asking for the professor to delay a slide so she could write down every-fucking-thing was quite simply too much. 

If Lexa Woods in class was bad, Lexa Woods in the library was worse. She would have books Clarke hadn't even thought of looking at in piles on her desk, and would be making notes and revision cards and looking irritated with anyone making noise around her. It drove Clarke insane with irritation, because she herself was a perfectionist and Lexa was somehow always one upping her in a war Lexa didn't even know they were fighting. It was nearly as bad as when she corrected the professor, which she was currently doing, causing Clarke to huff, roll her eyes and sink down in her seat, texting Raven surreptitiously,

 **Clarke** : OMG, she's always gotta point out the crap the profs got wrong

 **Raven** : You're at Harvard - the prof shouldn't be getting it wrong 

**Clarke** : Yeah, yeah, I can read up around a topic too but has she really gotta point out their errors like she does? Seriously, only this girl. She's just so annoying about it

 **Raven** : So you knew your prof was wrong?

 **Clarke** : No.

 **Clarke** : I've got Ms. Know-It-All to catch his mistakes for me.

 **Raven** : sir, sir, I think if you read Harper and Collins that....

 **Clarke** : Did you just cite random publishers to mimick the girl?

 **Raven** : I'm a mechanic so yeah. And I know you read up far more than you're letting on and know a shit load of crap too so don't pretend you're too cool for school

 **Clarke** : Yeah, well I'm not annoying about it. She's so fucking uptight

 **Clarke** : Probably from the perma wedgie she got given in elementary school

 **Raven** : Perma wedgie? That sounds pleasant

 **Clarke** : There's no way baby Lexa got through school with out a wedgie or three. Those glasses, that stack of books and her hand *constantly* in the air...

 **Raven** : Were you a bully that wedgied poor unsuspecting know-it-alls?

 **Clarke** : Of course I wasn't, but I knew people that would. Think back to Octavia's brother

 **Raven** : Bellamy?

 **Clarke** : Yeah, he'd have given baby Lexa a hard time. I can picture it now - little Lexa sat perched on the back of a bench, big book on her knee, reading with those glasses and Blake would have wondered over and just pushed her backwards off that bench. He was always doing asshole things like that.

 **Raven** : I bet she's not so bad. Send me a pic.

Clarke sneakily raised her phone and shot a photo of Lexa's side profile, all button up shirt, French braid and glasses and sent it to Raven.

 **Raven** : The nerd is hot!!

 **Clarke** : The nerd is not

 **Raven** : She's so bad you can't even see she's pretty. Wow! Say no more.

Clarke snickered and Lexa turned all the way around in her chair and fixed her with a steely look of disgust, before turning back to face the teacher and continuing.

 **Clarke** : Fuck. 

**Raven** : What?

 **Clarke** : I laughed and she gave me a death glare.

 **Raven** : You know what?

 **Clarke** : What?

 **Raven** : A girl that uptight would be amazing when she lets her hair down.

 **Clarke** : Trust me - Lexa Woods never lets her hair down.

 **Raven** : Think she'll lend you those notes you're so desperate for?

 **Clarke** : We'll see.

Clarke slid her phone back into her bag and yawned so loudly that Lexa shot her another irritated glare, even though she was no longer lecturing the lecturer. It felt like hours later that they were finally done and Clarke was quickly grabbing her bag and jogging to where Lexa was sat carefully filing her notes and jotting down what looked like names of articles she apparently planned to read. Clarke quickly memorized the list.

"Errrr Lexa?"

"Clarke," the brunette didn't look up and Clarke noticed that she had a loose strand of hair which had somehow escaped her careful braiding. It hung down around Lexa's collar looking utterly out of place. It was kind of sweet and something of a relief to see that small human error in someone so intensely organized. 

"So I was hoping I could ask you for a favour?"

"You can ask," Lexa continued working as if Clarke wasn't even there. 

"Would you consider lending me your notes for the two classes I missed at the beginning of the semester? I know that the topics will be on the final exam and I've read around the area but I'd really love to see notes from the lectures and yours are the best and..."

"If you choose to party rather than attend class it's not my job to provide you with the relevant course materials..." Lexa's tone was clipped.

"I know, but it would be nice if you did," Clarke didn't add that she was attending her father's funeral rather than partying. 

"Right," Lexa slid her work into her backpack and stood.

"Is that a no then?"

"I don't like to lend my notes out," Lexa actually looked at her, her eyes looking huge behind the lenses of her glasses. They were a surprisingly pretty aqua colour. 

"Especially not to party animals?"

"Right," she gave a tight nod of her head. 

"You know I have a 4.0 GPA? Whatever you might think of me, I take my work seriously."

"You do?" Lexa's brow furrowed as if this were unexpected and rather horrific news. She was probably calculating how much competition Clarke would be for valedictorian. 

"I do. I've been accepted unconditionally into medical school already. I don't need to do well - I want to do well."

"Right," Lexa looked like she was torn between belief and outright scepticism. 

"Fine, I'll fry my GPA. Thanks," she muttered disappointedly and was about to stalk off, "but when you win the spot as Valedictorian for our graduating class will it be because you deliberately sabotaged my final or because you deserve it?"

"I really don't care," Lexa's face hardened and she turned and walked calmly from the classroom. 

Clarke chased after the girl. 

"Lexa, _please_."

Lexa finally stopped walking and turned to stare at her. 

"I'm not going to let you take them or copy them, but you may sit opposite me in the library and look at them if you wish."

"Thank you," she gushed feeling genuine relief. She did genuinely care about her GPA for fucked up reasons. Her dad had always been so proud of her, for what he called her 'effortless intelligence,' and sense of fun, and she'd spent the months since his funeral putting way to much effort into maintaining what he'd seen as effortless. She fell into step beside the other girl, noticing how tall and straight she held herself, and subconsciously uncurled her shoulders, and raised her head to mirror her.

Once in the library Lexa headed straight to her usual spot and nodded to the seat opposite. Clarke watched as she set about meticulously laying out her work, books and pens, before opening a binder and removing pages of notes in her neat script and handing them over. 

"Please don't eat or drink over them. Or mess them up in any way."

"Sure, I won't. Thanks."

For a long time Clarke lost herself in Lexa's lengthy and detailed notes, scribbling down things she thought required further expansion, and things she though pertinent to the final. Then she got bored, and began to study Lexa instead.

She had a lot of dark hair, and a very well structured nose, a well-structured face really and when she was concentrating super hard her tongue peeked out from between her teeth. Her ears were small and kinda funny shaped! but her eyes were huge and she had a pout to make Angelina Jolie jealous. Her glasses were way too big for her face, her clothes were just dreadful and yet, she conceded, Raven was right that she was kind of pretty. She didn't do anything for her personally, but she was pretty. 

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked and Lexa merely looked at her for a moment before returning to her study. "That's a no then," Clarke smiled to herself. "Would you like a boyfriend?" Lexa sucked in a breath, clearly irritated, but didn't look up this time. "What about a girlfriend? Because my friend thinks you're hot!"

"What friend?" Lexa tsked grumpily. 

"Ah, so maybe you'd like a girlfriend," Clarke grinned in delight. "My friend Raven."

"There is no Raven in our class."

"No. I sent her a photo of you."

Lexa seemed highly offended, "why on earth would you send anyone a photo of me?"

"Because you were being annoying in class, I was complaining and she asked me too."

"How was I the one being annoying when I was correcting Jaha who was teaching us outdated information, and you were texting on your phone and snickering?"

Clarke hesitated, stumped on that one, "you're always correcting Jaha, or Kane, or anyone that teaches us."

"Of course I correct them if they're wrong!"

"So do you want me to set you up?"

"No," Lexa was very definite about that.

"Come on, Raven is gorgeous. She's at MIT and is smarter than you or I."

"I highly doubt that."

"That's because you haven't met Raven."

"I'm not looking to date," Lexa rolled her eyes.

"But it would be a girl, right? I'm right, right?" Clarke leaned forward with a big grin.

"It's a moot point Clarke because I'm not looking to date."

"Cl..arrrk," she giggled, mimicking the other girl, "you say my name like it's made of consonants."

"It is," Lexa gave her a look with just a hint of a smile at the edges. 

"Yeah but you emphasize each one."

"I enunciate."

"Yes you do," Clarke over enunciated each word and Lexa gave her a grudging eye roll. "And it's not a moot point. You like sausage or taco? Or both?" she gave an exaggerated wink.

"Do you have to be vulgar?"

"I have no problem with correct phraseology," Clarke shrugged easily, "penis or vagina?"

"I love women. I'm not really very concerned with their genitalia," Lexa answered primly face hardening.

"Yeah ok, whatever, you know what I meant. Are you always this pedantic?"

"It's not about being pedantic. I love women and some women have a penis."

"But you're a lesbian?"

"Yes. I'm a lesbian. But as I said it's moot."

"It's not moot. Not when I have a cute friend who swings both ways and thinks you're pretty," she said and Lexa made a face,

"We have finals coming up."

"And students perform better when relaxed, you know that's what research says and what better way to relax than a beautiful evening in bed with a gorgeous woman?"

"I don't do casual."

"You're trying to tell me you do serious? You? The most serious girl I've ever known?" Clarke teased and was rewarded by a touch of red on Lexa's cheeks. "I'm _shocked._ "

"Right now I study."

"So study with a cute naked girl in your bed," Clarke suggested but Lexa just rolled her eyes.

"No."

"Well you're missing out. Raven is great in bed," she mused knowingly.

"You're a lesbian?" Lexa looked shocked, as if she never would have expected it.

"I'm bi."

"Right," Lexa bit her lip and looked away,

"Why that look? You did it when I said Raven swings both ways and you've done it again now. You got a problem with bisexual girls?"

"No I don't."

"That look says differently," Clarke argued, not really bothered with Lexa's opinion on the matter because to be honest she was only engaging in conversation at all because she was bored. Lexa Woods was a mere blip on her college experience. One she'd laugh and joke about twenty years from now, but not with her.

"Look Clarke," Lexa sighed and she did the over enunciating thing again, "trust me - I am as far from biphobic as they come. If I like a girl and she likes me, then fabulous."

"Then why the look?"

"We don't all want causal sex. Or sex at all."

"You don't like sex?" Clarke couldn't quite control her shocked whisper. She loved sex, adored it - causal sex, relationship sex, sex with a guy, sex with a girl, so long as she got off she was happy. 

"I like sex. It just doesn't matter all that much to me."

"Then you're not doing it right," Clarke shook her head staring at Lexa with her hair held back in it's neat braid (except for that loose strand) and those glasses that were way too big for her face, lips pursed (which made them ridiculously pouty). The girl was glaring at her. 

"I'm doing it just fine."

"But..."

"Are you really this shocked that a person might prefer conversation, shared interests and other types of intimacy? Is it really that ludicrous a concept?"

"No," Clarke's brow furrowed as Lexa's softly spoken words chastised her.

"And not that it's any of your business but just because I don't think sex is everything doesn't mean I don't enjoy it, for me I'm just looking for more."

"Right."

"And if you're done working, maybe you can stop talking because I'm not."

"I was just taking a break," she looked down at Lexa's neat notes. "Sorry."

"It's fine."

"You don't want to give me your number to give to Raven then?" she couldn't resist but then felt guilty when Lexa gave her a tired look,

"No, I do not."

**Two**

"Hey," Clarke dropped her bag onto the desk opposite Lexa in the library and then began to unpack multiple folders and books.

"Why are you sitting here?"

"I thought we had fun studying yesterday! You with all your awesome notes, me with my sunny disposition and chit chat."

"We did not have fun and your chit chat was distracting," Lexa answered primly.

"I got you a smoothie," she shoved the purple coloured drink at Lexa, "it's made with all organic super fruits and there's no added sugar," she taunted making the cup dance backwards and forwards across the desk. 

Lexa looked at her, brow pursed, "Why would you buy me a smoothie?"

"Believe me, right now with your friendly welcome, I'm wondering. I wanted to say thanks for the loan of the notes."

"Oh," Lexa took the drink, her fingers brushing Clarke's, "thank you."

"And I'm still gonna sit here..." She plonked into her seat with a grin.

"Why? You don't like me."

"Not much no, but your notes are excellent, and you have half the books and articles I was planning to read on your desk, so.... And also this is reciprocal. You may not know it or believe it, but my notes are also excellent!"

"I find that hard to believe."

"Well, I know for a fact that you didn't read the Dixon and Hobbs paper. I know that from reading your notes yesterday and I also know that you should have..."

"What Dixon and Hobbs paper?" Lexa was actually focussed on her now as she explained the papers findings. "I have alerts set. I'm supposed to be notified when new papers are released," she huffed irritably.

"I have connections. Here are my notes. You see there are benefits to collaboration!"

"How did you know about it?" Lexa tsked as she looked over the neat notes Clarke had handed her.

"In all honesty my mom gave me a heads up and sent me it. It's not actually published yet, but she works with Dixon and she knows I'm interested."

"Oh, wow, ok," Lexa nodded and stared at the papers. "These aren't bad. Neater than I expected and thorough!"

"I know," she grinned. "I'm more than just a pretty face."

"Because prettiness and intelligence should be considered mutually exclusive?" Lexa snarked

"Ugh, no, though sometimes I think guys think they are," Clarke joked and then groaned at the expression on Lexa's face, "do you ever relax?"

"Not really," the brunette actually smiled and reached for her smoothie, sucking some of the purple liquid up through her straw. "Mmm, that's delicious."

"So," Clarke leaned across the desk, "back to yesterday's conversation..." 

"Yesterday's conversation?" Lexa looked adorably confused.

"About sex, and how it's not all about sex."

"Do we have to go back to that?"

"Yes. So, when you're with a girl, not having sex, what are you doing? Reading her research articles? Discussing history?" Clarke was poking fun, and gave credit to Lexa for dead panning back,

"Sometimes!"

Clarke laughed softly, "And other times?"

"I don't know, sit and talk on the couch in a cocoon of covers and talk. Make breakfast together. Go out to eat. Play music. Go watch a band. Watch movies. Read to each other. Play games. Draw, or you know, do other art..."

"You draw?" Clarke was useless herself but she had a thing for artists. 

"Yeah, I do. I get kind of obsessed with it. I'm not great but I love it."

"I'm terrible at art," Clarke admitted, "I like mucking around with paint though. Of course everything I produce turns out very abstract."

"It doesn't really matter if you enjoy doing it," Lexa shrugged. "It's the process. That's kind of true about spending time with anyone."

"Anything else?"

"Clarke, it's not about what you do with a person but whether or not you enjoy doing it with them."

"Right," Clarke nodded and widened her eyes theatrically. "If you say so."

"What do you like to do?"

" _Everything_ ," she giggled suggestively.

"And it doesn't matter who with?" Lexa clearly picked up on the insinuation.

"No. I'm safe, if they're fun and I'm attracted then it's good."

"What about butterflies?"

"Butterflies?" Clarke smiled widely as she stared at Lexa's earnest expression.

"Oh forget it," Lexa opened a book and began reading.

"Tell me."

"No."

"Go on," she urged.

"No."

"You're no fun."

"So I've been told," Lexa stated blandly and Clarke giggled. 

"You are kind of funny."

"I'm not attempting to be funny. I'm working."

"You're always working."

"So?" Lexa huffed irritably.

"So, how about you don't. Come over to my place on Saturday night."

"I'm not having sex with your friend."

"Dude...one track mind or what?! I meant come over for pizza and scary movies."

"I have too much work to do."

"No you don't. You have the next three nights to work and then you're coming over. If you don't I'll just come in here and drag you away. It would be quite the scene!"

"I don't like you very much Clarke," Lexa had a sour look on her face.

"I don't like you very much either Lexa," she grinned.

"I'm not coming."

"We'll see," Clarke laughed and focussed on her work.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow burn central. Some bonding but not much in the way of attraction. (If only they knew)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been very good at slow burn but given this has only got five parts, slow isn't glacial. 
> 
> Thanks for the great comments and the kudos and for giving this fic a chance!

**Three**

Saturday afternoon became a beautiful May Saturday evening but instead of enjoying the last of the sun, Clarke tidied her living room. It was well over due considering how low on the list of priorities housekeeping was for her and her roommates. The idea of Lexa arriving and judging her a slob really irked her and so she plumped the cushions on the couch, brushed crumbs onto the floor and then actually vacuumed them up. She made sure she had popcorn, vodka, Diet Coke and money for pizza. Raven was spending the evening at school working on a final project and Octavia was with Lincoln her long term boyfriend, and so here she was planning for a tipsy night with Lexa Woods of all people. She wasn't entirely sure what had possessed her to insist upon this movie night. All she knew for sure was that after a week of studying in the library together with lots of gentle and not so gentle teasing, she was more certain than ever that Lexa needed to blow off some steam and just relax for at least one night or the girl might combust. Pulling out her phone she text Lexa.

 **Clarke** : You better be on your way!!

She had handed Lexa her address on a scrap of paper the previous evening when she'd given up studying and decided to head home. Lexa had merely shoved paper into her bag as if it offended her and shaken her head irritably.

 **Lexa** : Who is this?

 **Clarke** : Your nemesis!

 **Lexa** : Clarke? How did you get this number?

 **Clarke** : Turns out your friend Anya, is friends with Lincoln, who is currently dating my roommate Octavia. Small world.

 **Lexa** : I am not coming tonight. 

**Clarke** : As we established yesterday I was merely suggesting movie watching. I'm not planning on coming either. 

**Lexa** : Do you make everything into a joke about sex?

 **Clarke** : You're fun to tease! You're cute when you get all pouty.

 **Lexa** : I plan to study tonight.

 **Clarke** : I want movie night:-( Don't make me watch alone...

Clarke opened the camera and took a photo of the couch with its cushions and blankets, the large bowl of popcorn and the vodka visible on the coffee table and sent it to Lexa.

 **Lexa** : Who else will be there?

 **Clarke** : Me!!

 **Lexa** : You didn't invite anyone else?

 **Clarke** : No! We've been working our behinds off. I thought we should chill out. Research has shown it enhances exam performance.

 **Lexa** : Well, if research suggests...

 **Clarke** : You're coming!!!

 **Lexa** : I thought we'd established that no one was coming!

 **Clarke** : Lexa made a funny!! :-x

 **Clarke** : You want me to pick you up?

 **Lexa** : Really?

 **Clarke** : Yeah. I'll see you in ten.

 **Lexa** : You don't know where I am!!

 **Clarke** : Yeah I do hahahahahahahahahaha

Ten minutes later Clarke pulled up in front of the library, smirking at Lexa who was not only carrying her huge backpack but had her arms full of books.

"Would ya look at that, I knew where to find you!!"

"So droll."

"So weighed down by books," Clarke grinned as the brunette dumped the books and her bag in the backseat, though 'dumped' was not an appropriate word to describe the manner in which Lexa carefully deposited the books. Lexa placed the books down like they were her children and she was tucking them in for the night. She even went so far as to clip the seat belt around them so they wouldn't fall.

"So what movie are we watching?" Lexa plugged in her seat belt and shifted around in the seat, brow pursing slightly at the wrappers and old Starbucks cups on the floor as she gingerly found space for her feet.

"The scream trilogy."

"That's three movies," Lexa complained as she stared at her nails as if she were contemplating biting them. 

"It's Saturday night! And it's more fun to watch them all. You can stay over if you're worried about it getting late? Our couch is big and comfy. Or more likely than not Octavia will stay at Lincoln's. Or Raven may even pull an all nighter. Lots of options," she winked.

"I prefer my own bed."

"We all prefer our own beds Lexa, but if you want to stay over you can," she laughed softly. 

"You're really annoying."

"Says you," Clarke scoffed, but was unoffended.

"So why are you hanging out with me? If I'm so annoying."

"Two reasons," Clarke informed her, "One, you need this as much as I do, and there's to much on at school for wrecking my Sunday on a night out, and two, I'm counting on you knowing nothing about the Scream trilogy and thus being unable to turn to me every three seconds and correct something about the movie."

"I don't do that during movies."

"Sure," Clarke rolled her eyes. 

"I don't. That would be annoying."

"As opposed to putting your hand up in class every three seconds."

"It's not every..."

"It is."

"They're wrong."

"I know," Clarke grinned, "but some of us just want the damn class to end."

"It ends at the same time whether I correct the professor or not."

"Whatever. Just listen up, I don't want to hear any, 'why do they always run upstairs?' okay, Lexa? Just enjoy it."

"I can't promise not to comment on ridiculousness."

"I'm sure," she grinned. "So, tell me Lexa, what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Harvard Medical school," Lexa actually smirked as she delivered her little bombshell. 

"So I have four more years of you interrupting all our professors with the latest research?" Clarke feigned distress. "And to hold slides? And to clarify?'

"Indeed you do," the smirk became a grin.

"Fuck, maybe I should rethink my career choice."

"Maybe you should," Lexa laughed. "Cos I don't plan on changing. Especially not in medical school. It's people's lives we're talking about."

"Yeah, yeah. What about my sanity?"

"I'm not responsible for your sanity," Lexa pointed out, clearly relaxing.

"I know, you're responsible for my insanity. Do what I do and send them a goddamned email, referring them to the appropriate research."

"But..."

"But what? You enjoy their public humiliation?" Clarke arched her eyebrows, surprised at how much fun she was having already.

"You don't?" Lexa grinned and Clarke laughed,

"Ok, even I'll admit that there's been one or two times where I've enjoyed the look on both Jaha's and Kane's faces. Here," she chucked her phone at Lexa. "I have a whole album dedicated to it. My code is six six six six."

"Must be hard to remember," Lexa smirked as she tapped it in and clicked on photos. "You entitled the album 'Lexa Pissing off Professors and me.'"

"Pretty much describes what's in there," she shrugged easily as she pulled up in front of the old house where she and others lived. 

"Oh my god," Lexa began to laugh as she flicked through photos, all pissed off and grumpy Jaha, Kane and Clarke. Clarke had taken pictures of both teachers, herself, other students, anyone she caught with ' _that_ ' look on their face. "I cause all this grief."

"That you do!"

"Wow, I'm impressed."

"You're impressed with yourself?" Clarke scoffed as she got out of the car and opened the back to pull out Lexa's ridiculously heavy bag.

"You don't need to take my bag."

"Oh shut up and take your books," Clarke waved a hand, "and are you really impressed with yourself?"

"Damn straight. I knew I was annoying, but look at the unifying force I've been. All these people united in irritation. I bet I've fostered friendships and relationships, and in the case of Kane and Jaha some serious career contemplation."

"You have, you have," Clarke was surprised at Lexa's reaction, kind of pleased that Lexa wasn't going to back down on her stance, "but couldn't you have found another way to unify us all?"

"Unity and peace require a common enemy. I'm not so fussed about the people in our class, or our professors, I can therefore fulfil the role."

"Oh, don't be so pompous. You love correcting them. I've seen the look on your face too," Clarke smirked.

"But you didn't photograph it," Lexa mused.

"Well, no, you're always glaring at me."

"You're annoying too you know? Always snickering and mucking about on your phone!"

"Well, I already know what you're saying. I'm bored."

"Bullshit! You're just a trouble maker," Lexa gave her side eyes. 

"Meh, guilty," she unlocked the front door and knocked it open with her hip. "Home sweet home," she announced grandly.

"It's nice that you have a house, rather than an apartment, or some dorm room on campus."

"I'm too old for a dorm room," Clarke shrugged. "And this place is a ten minute cycle from campus."

"You cycle?" Lexa clearly doubted it.

"Well, no. But I could," she dumped Lexa's bag down and then took the books from Lexa's arms and placed them on the hall table. "Those aren't coming into the living room."

"Huh," Lexa scowled. "Spoil sport."

"You need a night off and I need a night off and I'm not having you pretend to watch scary movies while you actually read, leaving me to pee my pants alone."

"The scream movies are formulaic."

"Yeah, formulaically scary."

"Formulaically scary yes, so really you aught not to be surprised because the fear is predictable..." Clarke pressed a finger to Lexa's lips to stop what looked like a big rant and green eyes stared down at it. 

"Who the fuck cares....right?" she asked snatching her finger away when Lexa licked it. "Yuck. And yeah, I know you're right but I still jump a mile. Come on, grumpy, let's sit and watch the movie and have a drink."

"Fine," Lexa sat on the couch in what she clearly intended to be a prim and proper position only Clarke's couch didn't allow for formality or grace, and she slumped at once into the saggy cushions, her body falling against Clarke's. Lexa huffed at the indignity.

"You drink?" Clarke couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm not a robot." Green eyes rolled. Clarke swore that if Lexa rolled them just a little more she'd look like a cartoon character with it's eyes spinning in its head.

"Are you sure? I've thought about looking in the back of your neck for wires," she teased and flicked Lexa's dark braid aside only to see a scar all the way down her neck that indicated some pretty major spinal surgery. "Oh, well now I feel like a shit."

"Because I do actually have wires in my neck?" Lexa laughed. "It's not a big deal. I was in a car accident when I was a kid and I had a spinal cord injury. They fused my neck to prevent paralysis. I'm ok now. They took a bone graft from my hip and put in some screws and thankfully it worked. Since I've read more about the injury I had I'm inclined to think I would have less residual pain, and I'd have a greater degree of rotation it I'd had a neurosurgeon who didn't use screws and conducted the surgery by going in at the front, rather than the orthopaedic surgeon I had."

"Wow. That's insane. Do you have pain?" Clarke traced the scar with her finger before moving her hand away.

"In my shoulders and here," she pressed the tendons on either side of her neck, at the base of her skull. "Sometimes I get bad headaches."

"How old were you?"

"Eleven."

"Was anyone else hurt?" Clarke asked as they sat down together on the couch, and she reached for the bottle of vodka, pouring them each a generous shot and then adding some coke. 

"My parents and younger brother were killed."

"Oh my god," she dropped the bottle of coke and it began to spill everywhere. Lexa quickly righted the bottle and headed for the kitchen to grab a cloth, moving quickly. She began to dab at the spilt liquid, before stopping and staring at Clarke who had her eyes shut.

"What's the matter?" Lexa's voice was soft and it was hard for Clarke to hear it through the buzzing,

"I'm sorry," she managed to croak. "I'm ok," she knew it was very obviously a blatant lie. 

"Clarke?" Lexa abandoned the cloth and sat beside her reaching over and taking her hand. "Take deep breaths, ok?"

"Ok. I'm sorry. I'm fine, really I am."

"No, you're not."

"My dad died in a car crash at the beginning of the semester. That's where I was those two weeks."

"Oh Clarke," Lexa's voice was soft and sweet and so very sincere. For a few minutes they sat in silence. "How are you still managing?"

"You mean life?"

"Yeah?"

"Avoidance mostly," she admitted, staring at where Lexa's hand was holding hers. Lexa had very long fingers, slim and strong looking. Her nails were short and very neatly filed. "See, even now I'm thinking about how perfect your hands are for a lesbian, rather than my dead father."

"I didn't avoid," Lexa admitted, ignoring her inappropriate comment. "I was a mess. I didn't speak for six months, all through my rehabilitation, through the surgeries."

"Surgeries?"

"I had a few other injuries Clarke."

"Right," she nodded.

"Inside I was screaming. They were all I thought about."

"When did it change?"

"When I went back to school. I found other things to think of. I began to find joy in things again. It was never easy. It just became less hard."

"Who did you live with?"

"My mother's friend Indra. She took me in. She loved me and cared for me and gave me the best life."

"I'm glad you had someone."

"Clarke...you can talk about it, you know?"

"But then I wouldn't be doing a very good job of avoiding the issue, would I?" she gave a quick smile and Lexa frowned. 

"Don't worry. I know I have to deal with this, but after finals."

"You know I get that," Lexa smiled.

"I knew you would."

"What do you do if it creeps in?" Lexa asked after a moment, apparently planning to hold her hand all night. Clarke figured that Lexa wouldn't be a person to remove comfort from someone and would thus wait until Clarke moved her hand, because that would be a sign that she was ok. As a form of distraction she decided not to remove her hand for as long as possible and see how long it took Lexa to get uncomfortable and move hers. 

"Get drunk, have sex, watch horror movies, the usual. What did you do?"

"Well I was eleven," Lexa pointed out and Clarke smiled, "so I didn't use sex and booze. I used to draw. I read obsessively. And once I was better, or my body was, I exercised. A lot."

"You mean you're not a nerdy little weakling under all those dorky clothes?"

"My clothes aren't dorky," Lexa snapped clearly irritated. 

"It's a look, that's for sure, and it goes with the work ethic you've got going."

"I dress in a way that makes me comfortable."

"Which I applaud. So do I. You just look all cute and uptight. Oh my god," Clarke began to laugh and Lexa looked offended. 

"What?"

"You remind me of Erin from Ghostbusters."

"And that makes you who? Holtzmann?"

"Nah...I'm just slobby and if you have fabulous boobs, why not accentuate them?"

"Why not indeed?" Lexa mused wryly, though Clarke saw her eyes drop to the impressive cleavage she had on display, before they flicked away. "So are you just planning to criticize my taste in clothing all night, or are we going to drink vodka and watch horror movies?"

"I'm not criticizing your taste. I'm acknowledging your lack of taste," she teased and though Lexa stiffened, she didn't drop her hand. "Aww Lexa, I'm kidding. I think you look very cute. A little straight-laced, but tons of girls really go for that."

"It may shock you to discover that I'm not actually dressing to please others."

"Me either," Clarke announced brightly. "Sometimes when a class sucks I just look down at my boobs and feel so much better!"

"Well, that's not an option for all of us," Lexa responded, but there was a definite lightening in her tone and a small blush on her cheeks. 

"Well, no. Not if you insist on wearing such high cut tops," she leaned forward and grabbed a glass handing it to Lexa, and then took one for herself. It was awkward, what with the way Lexa was still holding her hand for 'comfort.'

"We don't all have huge boobs."

"So you've noticed?" Clarke teased flirtatiously. 

"They're rather hard to miss," Lexa stated bluntly. 

"Hmm, yeah," she scrunched her arms together and grinned when Lexa's eyes fell back down to them.

"I'm not having sex with you," Lexa informed her, sipping from her drink as Clarke reluctantly released her hand in order to finish mopping up the spilt coke and start the movie, kinda gutted that she hadn't managed to get Lexa to let go first. Lexa seemed relieved and whipped her hand back to her lap.

"Lexa, trust me, I don't want to have sex with you either. I just want to watch a movie and get drunk."

"Well, that is acceptable."

"Ok, so we have to drink whenever the phone rings, when someone gets stabbed, when the bad guy gets hit, and when he wipes his knife. Oh, and whenever anyone screams."

"Does everything have to be a game?"

"Yes," she smiled sweetly.

"Fine. I should let you know that I have excellent tolerance to alcohol."

"I should let you know that I don't," Clarke poked her arm lightly. 

"I'm not holding back your hair as you puke."

"I'm not planning on puking."

**XOXOXOXOXOXOX**

"Hey it's ok," Clarke patted Lexa's head absentmindedly where it was resting on her shoulder. "She gets away."

"Nope, nope, nope," Lexa mumbled from behind her hands. "You said that the last time."

"I'm a very convincing liar," Clarke lied. 

"You're not, you're a useless liar, that's how come I know you're lying and...fuck. They keep killing everyone."

"That's the point in a horror," Clarke laughed as they both drank. "And didn't you say it was formulaic?"

"It is. You'd think by the third movie it would stop being scary, but nope."

"It's the jump factor," Clarke mused.

"Hmmm, yeah. I'm not walking home."

"Stay in Octavia's room."

"No way. That's how they get you. Divide and eat..."

"Nobody gets eaten in this," Clarke craned her neck to look at Lexa, her glasses balancing on the end of her nose as she slumped onto her, her hair loosened from the tight braid so that strands were going everywhere and it was distinctly fuzzy from where it had been rubbing against the back of the couch. Lexa had even removed her shirt so she was sat in a tank top. 

"Well I won't be cos you're gonna defend me. Unless you're some slasher girl and are gonna don the mask later and scare the shit out of me?"

"You look all adorable and ruffled," she offered with giggle. "Ms. I have an excellent tolerance to alcohol."

"I'm not drunk," she huffed, "and I'm not adorable either."

"No, you're definitely not either of those things."

"You're lying again!"

"Obviously."

"I shouldn't have got drunk," Lexa shook her head making the back go even fuzzier. 

"Let me take your hair out," Clarke snagged the bobble and pulled.

"Why?" Lexa pouted at her.

"Because you look like you wrestled a friendly polar bear, ok?"

"Oh, ok," Lexa relaxed against her. 

"Are you from Boston originally?"

"Me?" Lexa twisted to look at her and so Clarke had to cease combing through her soft hair. "Nope. I grew up in D.C. Indra is still there."

"You live on campus?"

"Nah, I have a two bedroom apartment about six blocks east of here with my friend Anya."

"Your friend huh?" Clarke laid on the insinuation.

"I think you should see a therapist about your need to make everything about sex."

"I do see a therapist and we've discussed it."

"Oh. What did she say?"

"Try making a new friend and make it not be about sex. Eh, voila!" She gestured to Lexa with a grin.

"But you keep mentioning sex."

"But I don't want to have sex with you. You annoy me. And you're not my type."

"Ditto."

"See, we're perfect for each other!" Clarke gave her a big hug and Lexa squirmed away. 

"Right."

"Oh you can't pretend you're not having fun," Clarke tugged her back close, looking down at her half lidded drunken eyes, amplified by her glasses. 

"I'm drunk."

"Yes, I noticed."

"How come you're not?"

"I am."

"Oh," Lexa. "So you'll tell me all your secrets?"

"Yeah. What cha want to know?"

"Hmmm...what mark did you get on Kane's last paper?"

"Full marks."

"I hate you."

"I know."

"I lost two marks. It drove me crazy. My closing argument wasn't 'rounded' enough."

"My turn," Clarke grinned. 

"Your turn?"

"We're playing truth and dare, right?" Clarke handed Lexa her drink and nodded for her to drink up. 

"Fine, truth."

"Hmm. Tell me something about you that no one else in class knows?"

"No one in class knows anything about me," Lexa shrugged. "Be more specific."

"Ugh, fine, do you have any tattoos?" her words slurred.

"I have lots," Lexa smiled. 

"Sure," Clarke giggled. 

"Why did you ask if you were so sure I didn't?"

"Cos I'm feeling drunk and uncreative and the whole point of truth and dare is to either talk about sex, or initiate sex, and as you don't wanna do that with me and I don't wanna do that with you, the game is pointless."

"It is. And I have do have tatts," Lexa then turned and pulled up her tank to reveal a tattoo all the way down her rather perfect spine.

"Oh my god," Clarke gripped her back, "that's fucking gorgeous. And sexy! Wow," she trailed her fingers down it. 

"I'm getting one on my bicep after finals."

"Oh my god, I'm...wow...straight-laced-know-it-all Woods has tattoos! Who'da thunk it?"

"I like tattoos. I like art. And just cos I look straight laced, doesn't mean I am," Lexa actually poked her in the nose and she found herself laughing. 

"Sure," Clarke pulled the blanket from the back of the couch onto them both. "Though I don't understand why you bother having tattoos if no one can ever see them cos you wear those clothes all the time."

"Clarke," Lexa grinned, her name clipping off her tongue, "you miss the point the whole time. I don't have tattoos for anyone but me. I see them. I like them. I enjoy having the art on my skin."

"Oh," Clarke didn't always like being with Lexa. She felt shallow and she didn't consider herself a shallow person, and she wasn't all about how other people saw her. "Kinda like how I wear low tops for myself?"

"Yes," Lexa began to giggle and it was a very pretty sound. "Exactly that. Though I think there are a few boys in our class who stare as though they think you're wearing them for them."

"I don't mind people staring. It makes me feel good. Do you think I'm very shallow?"

"No," Lexa shook her head, "so long as you're happy why would I?"

"You don't like people staring?"

"I want people to stare because of who I am, not how I look."

"Oh they do," Clarke snickered. 

"One day I hope it's because they're actually interested in what I have to say."

"I think you're gonna shine in medical school Lexa. And it's not like people don't listen to you now. I know Harvard should be about people interested in what you have to say, cos I give you - it can be interesting, but they just want their classes to end. To learn what they have to and pass."

"I don't think that's true. Surely people want to learn the correct things? Surely they want to know that it's ok to challenge those in a position of power if they're wrong? Surely they..."

"Lexa?" Clarke interrupted.

"What?"

"You need to do it in a more interesting way."

"What?" Lexa shoved her glasses roughly back onto her face and her eyes looked huge.

"You're whiny. All hand shoved in the air and with your ' _actually_ '" Clarke mimicked Lexa. "You're sat forward in your chair, all angsty and twitchy, like you might not get the chance to discredit the professor _again_."

"How should I be doing it?" Lexa asked, irritated.

"Lemme show you," she grinned devilishly, switching off the television. 

 

**Four**

**Clarke** : OMG, OMG Lexa's doing it

 **Raven** : Doing what?

 **Clarke** : Being a know it all in a cool way

 **Raven** : There's no cool way to be a know it all

 **Raven** : Except my way

 **Clarke** : It's so funny, watching her try to slump in her chair, omg look

Clarke snapped a surreptitious picture and sent it off. 

**Raven** : The slump would look better if she wasn't dressed in such an uptight way. 

**Clarke** : Her hair isn't uptight

 **Raven** : Eer the French braid says different

 **Clarke** : Yeah, she thinks she's doing these super neat French braids but she always misses this one strand and has no clue. 

**Raven** : Clarkey's been watching the annoyinator. Tell me, is she less annoying now you've slept together?

 **Clarke** : OMG not like that. Definitely not. She stayed over, way over on her side of the bed and got up at 6 am to go home and study. I tried to convince her to have sex with you! 

**Raven** : Anytime, she's way hot and imagine getting her to let loose...yum

 **Clarke** : Uh, good luck:):):)

 **Clarke** : She just scoffed and is rolling her pen between her two fingers. She looks awesome.

 **Clarke** : She did it! Called them on not being prepared, rather than correcting and offered everyone a copy of her notes instead.

 **Clarke** : OMG she just asked if the final is going to be on the wrong or right stuff. His stuff or hers!

 **Raven** : What did the prof say?

 **Clarke** : He dismissed class! I'm taking Lexa for ice cream.

 **Raven** : Ice cream? What the fuck Griffin?

 **Clarke** : She doesn't drink during the week.

 **Raven** : And you guys are friends? Hahahahaha

 **Clarke** : We're not friends exactly 

**Raven** : Sure. You want to kiss her, you want to hug her, you want to make sweet love to her...

 **Clarke** : Seriously Rae, do you have to make everything about sex?

Clarke shoved her phone in her bag and headed to the front of the class, watching the class take Lexa's revision notes from a big pile of photocopies. She sidled up close and slipped her arm through hers.

"Clarke," Lexa looked less than thrilled at the physical contact, but Clarke tugged her away before releasing her.

"I'm taking you for ice cream."

"Why?"

"Because you were fabulous!"

"You mean you were," Lexa bit her lip and it looked kind of adorable. 

"Woods, take a compliment would ya? One on your brain no less. You owned him and it was good."

"I'd rather go to the library..."

"You want to celebrate your victory over mediocre teaching at one of the most prestigious colleges in the country with more research?"

"Well, yeah..." Lexa blushed.

"Sorry but nope. I'm buying you a ridiculously big frozen yogurt from Menchies, then we can go study."

"What's Menchies?"

"Oh my god," Clarke linked their arms again and Lexa allowed it, as they walked off campus. "It's going to change your life."

"How?"

"Because it's delicious and perfect for a break from the insanity that is our timetable this year."

"We'll need slow release food next year, not a quick energy release..."

"Lexa, stop over thinking everything. Eat ice cream and then we'll study."

"You mean you sitting at the same table as me is a permanent thing?"

"Indeed it is, and don't even pretend to be miffed. I know you're secretly impressed by my know how."

"I'm seriously intimidated by your clutter and mess."

"A hospital has clutter and mess. I'm part of your training."

"Ugh, ok, I'll look at it that way."

"Do," Clarke.

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

Clarke pushed open the door to Menchies just off campus and smiled charmingly at the girl behind the counter before instructing Lexa on how to fix what she wanted, laughing when Lexa did the last thing she expected and went for everything chocolatey, ladening her waffle cone with chocolate frozen yogurt, then heading to the extras and choosing chocolate bits, a brownie and then drowning it all in chocolate sauce. "Wow. For a girl that was going on about slow release energy, you sure took the chocolate route."

"I love chocolate," Lexa blushed and stared at Clarke's fruity choice. "I thought you'd go chocolate too."

"Depends on my mood. We don't all exercise like maniacs. I do make some good choices."

"Really?"

"Haha."

"I loved squirting out the frozen yogurt."

"So satisfying, right?"

"Hmmm, yes. Like how squeezing a whole tube of toothpaste into the sink might feel. Not that I've ever done that. How do we pay?"

"By weight. Shove it on the scale."

"Twenty-five dollars and sixty-five cents," the girl smiled and Lexa's eyes widened theatrically.

"For ice cream?" she scoffed. 

"Frozen yogurt," the girl clarified and Lexa looked so indignant that Clarke squeezed her arm,

"It's my treat," she reminded her as she tapped her card.

"It's ridiculous. How are you going to pay for _actual_ food if you spend all your money on _ice cream_ ," she looked at the counter girl as she emphasized the word.

"Lexa, chill for once in your life."

"I am chilled, but twenty-five bucks for ice cream? We could have bought eight cartons from the store."

"Which would have been boring. The store doesn't have chocolate sauce and all the candies and fruit to choose from. Now let's go sit outside, come on," she nodded her thanks to the girl and they headed into the sunshine. She steered Lexa to a bench and they sat and ate in silence punctuated by murmurs of appreciation. 

"It's weird stopping in the middle of the day like this," Lexa mused after a while. "I don't ever do that. If I have free time I read."

"You'll be more productive in the end, trust me. It's good to remember the whole point of life isn't college but the stuff college facilitates."

"I'm always productive Clarke," Lexa gave her a look. "And what does college facilitate? What do you mean by that?"

"Well, it's a weird filler. It's for real life while still being real life. It's temporary and is only ever going to be temporary, and yet it trains us, teaches us and gives us relationships that will hopefully transition to our more permanent place. It's like a practice run at adulting. College isn't just about learning our subject, it's about learning who we are."

"You sound like a college advertisement," Lexa rolled her eyes, "' _Come to Harvard where you will receive a well rounded education, taught by some of the brightest minds in the world. Harvard will not only further your education but help teach you about the person you want to be. At our institution you'll get a degree and friends to take you through life_.'"

"I sound cheesy as all hell, don't I?"

"Pretty much," Lexa elbowed her good naturedly. "'It's all about friendships and rainbows,'" she put on a silly voice and Clarke decided ice cream was good for the normally stoic girl. 

"I just try and remind myself that being here isn't all about good grades. I love my GPA and it's truly a thing of beauty that I want to protect," she smiled when Lexa snickered, "but you know, there's more to this than just that. This is four years of my life and then another four. I've gotta have fun. It can't be all about work."

"So you get drunk and sleep around?" Lexa asked but it didn't sound judgemental, more genuinely interested.

"Kinda?" She offered. "I'm too tired to add to my good friends and I don't know, there's a benefit to being everyone's friend and no ones best friend, right?"

"Because no one gets too close?"

"Wow, look at you zeroing in on the point I wasn't making," she elbowed Lexa this time. "I guess that's true, but I really meant that best friends have demands, needs. My roommates, Raven and Octavia, they're great. I've known them since high school and so it's easy. They're family."

"So despite your desire for the full college experience you're telling me your relationships are relatively shallow and you like them that way?" Lexa smiled at her and Clarke laughed,

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Well, I'm superficially enjoying our ice cream."

"Frozen yogurt," Clarke reminded her pointedly and they both giggled. "Seriously Lexa, you were awesome in class today, truly you were."

"And less annoying?" Lexa gave her a look, wrinkling her nose so her glasses bobbed up and down. 

"Much."

"Good."

"Do you know how I'd celebrate if it was me?" she turned on the bench, sitting cross legged so she could stare at Lexa.

"Tell me, how would you celebrate?" Lexa mirrored her position.

"Find a cute girl and fuck her senseless."

"I like my girls with sense."

"Hahaha, you know what I mean."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?" Clarke asked, confused.

"You just want to fuck them? What about them fucking you?"

"Well, I'm not gonna complain. But I find taking a girl to bed a huge turn on, so really, I usually get off doing that."

"What about guys?"

"What about them?"

"Well...why wouldn't you find a cute boy and fuck him senseless? To celebrate I mean?" Lexa pursed her lips. 

"I guess because I don't find fucking boys very gratifying. I'm lazy with guys - let them do the work. Guys only know how to fuck, not be fucked. Sorry too many fucks," Clarke shrugged. 

"So you have a different sexual personality depending on whom you're with in bed?" Lexa was contemplative and Clarke snickered because she could imagine Lexa taking notes and then trying to draw a conclusion, as if she were some scientific entity she wanted to understand. 

"Don't we all? I'm just talking in general terms, you know? It depends on who I'm with."

"I don't really know."

"Have you ever had a girlfriend? Sex?"

"You're so rude," Lexa chastised, shaking her head in shock, but laughing all the same.

"Yeah, yeah, Clarke is rude, Clarke is bad, have you?"

"Yes," Lexa did the wrinkle her nose thing again and Clarke smiled. 

"So? What's your sexual personality?"

"To not be talking about sex all the time."

"So what should we talk about?" Clarke stood and tugged Lexa to her feet, "as we walk back to campus for our next class."

"Hmmm.... _Stranger Things_?"

"Oh my god, yes! Let's talk about that!" Clarke dumped her empty container in a garbage can and linked her arm through Lexa's.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a turn after a few weeks of studying and watching movies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the great support for this fic! I love your comments most of all, just I have loved the tumblr questions (tabithacraft is my tumblr URL - I'm Sooo imaginative) and obviously the kudos. 
> 
> A little time has passed and things shift. The fic is ten snap shots of their relationship. Hence the numbers. 
> 
> Let me know what you think:)

**Five**

"What's up Woods?" Clarke slid onto the desk opposite Lexa. The same desk she now occupied with such regularity that she'd heard others in their classes refer to it as 'Griffin's Wood.' People thought they were so fucking hysterical. Actually _she_ thought it was pretty fucking hysterical. Wood's did not. 

"People are still calling your desk that name," she muttered. 

"Aww babe, at least you're admitting it's my desk."

"Oh shut up."

"I sent the memo round as you requested, and what can I say - no one wants to rename this here piece of wood," she tapped the desk earning an evil eye from the librarian who was pushing a trolley of books past and from Lexa.

"You didn't really send a memo round did you? Because I didn't ask you to do that? That would only increase the problem, make everyone aware that wasn't previously aware that that's what people were calling it," as Lexa rambled Clarke let her chin rest in her hands, watching her affectionately, until she trailed off. "You didn't send out a memo," Lexa blushed profusely. 

"Nope," she let her head fall to the desk and for several minutes there was silence. 

"Are you, uh, ok?"

"Why do you ask?" Clarke mumbled into her arms.

"I just think your bedroom may be more comfortable if you need sleep and well...are you? Okay?"

"My mom is coming and she plans to take me out for dinner," Clarke raised her head, hair sticking up in a few different directions.

"That sounds...nice?"

"It isn't nice. Since my dad died, all she wants to talk about is medicine. It's boring and impersonal."

"It sounds interesting," Lexa shrugged. "To me."

"Yeah, but moms are supposed to check how you're doing. Tell you to eat healthier food, get more sleep and look after yourself. They're supposed to ask if you've met someone special and slip you fifty bucks. What's Indra like when she visits?"

"She cleans."

"Ha, you're telling me your place ever requires a clean? Come on."

"Well she does a once over. She's the reason I'm a neat freak. Then she makes a couple of meals for the freezer and we go out to dinner."

"And what does she talk about?"

"Friends from home, how I'm doing, whether I'm happy, like you said. She indulges me in a little grade talk, but yeah, she's focussed on how I am, not the latest in medical research."

"See," Clarke let out a huff of air. "Maybe you could come with me?"

"To dinner with your mom?"

"Yeah. Raven is working and Octavia has some performance that my mom and I are going to see after dinner. Why don't you come? With a new friend she'll have to lay off medicine talk and conduct get-to-know-you talk. Maybe you can chit chat around stuff."

"Because chit chat is where I excel!" Lexa smiled. 

"Oh you're not so bad," Clarke dismissed her concerns.

"I only engage in small talk because you make me," Lexa said but Clarke knew that wasn't entirely true.

"And I'll make you, at dinner with my mom," she blew her a kiss, which Lexa obviously ignored. 

"That would be a bad idea. I'd probably find her medical talk interesting and then you'd get all mad at me."

"Aw Lexi, you don't want me to be mad at you! That's cute, that you care."

"I don't," Lexa shook her head.

"You do," Clarke smiled.

"You're just more annoying when you're mad."

"How would you know?" Clarke kicked her under the desk, slouching low in her seat to reach.

"Uh, hello...you used to be constantly annoyed at me in class."

"Until you badassed the art of undermining professors."

"Providing my own handouts of correct information is extremely satisfying. Though not exactly cost effective."

"Oh I charged the last lot of photocopies to the science department."

"You didn't?" Lexa's mouth fell open in scandalized shock. 

"You're doing their work for them. You're more up to date. We're more up to date. Why should we pay for keeping everyone else up to date."

"Wow, I'm impressed Griffin."

"Impressed enough that you'll save me from dinner alone with my mom? Come on, you gotta like me a little these days?" she and Lexa had made Friday a regular movie night as well as studying together. 

"What about when I can't resist talking medicine with her? Will you get mad?" Lexa seemed to be weakening. 

"Ugh, well at least _I_ won't have to talk shop. I can...I don't know, inspect my nails, flirt with the waitress, who cares?"

"I care. I don't know your mother."

"It'll be fine. And it's a free feed at a nice place."

"Well, I am hungry," Lexa gave her a sweet little look.

"Hmmm me too."

"If I come with you..." Lexa began but Clarke burst in,

"Thank you, thank you, thank you..."

"I said _if_!"

"You're coming," Clarke grinned.

"Well, if I'm coming you have to shut up and let me work," she fixed steely green eyes on Clarke who nodded enthusiastically. 

"For you, dear anything!" she clapped her hands and pulled out her books. 

"What time?"

"In about an hour and a half?"

"Ok. Now quiet."

"I wasn't the one that kept on talking..." Clarke pointed out, "just saying...."

"Please don't be annoying!"

"How is it annoying to point out that you broke the silence you asked for?"

"Clarke, please. I'm gonna get stressed," Lexa's brow furrowed and she bit her lip.

"Here," she handed over some notes she'd taken on the assigned reading and Lexa grabbed at them. 

"Oh my god, I love you. Now I can do the stuff that actually matters," Lexa pulled her lap top in front of herself, smiling happily.

"You're so easy to please babe," Clarke winked and blew another little kiss, loving that this one caused a blush to rise on Lexa's cheeks. 

"You're so insufferable."

"That's why we're friends."

"Sure. Now please be quiet."

"I'm quiet."

Clarke turned her attention to her work, falling into it easily, reading and making notes, trying to make the information stick in her head. 

"Shouldn't we be going?" Lexa interrupted her concentration about an hour later.

"We have twenty minutes. She's picking us up here."

"God, have you even text to say you're bringing me?" Lexa asked looking apprehensive.

"Er, yeah, I better do that!" Clarke pulled out her phone and text her mom.

"You're so relaxed about this stuff," Lexa grumbled.

"You mean I'm slovenly?"

"Kinda. Doesn't it worry you that your mom will be mad that you suddenly decide to bring a friend along to a catch up dinner? What if she's mad with you? Or irritated at me? What if it pisses her off?"

"Anyone ever told you that you worry too much?"

"Anyone ever told you that you don't worry enough?" Lexa parried back and they grinned at each other until Clarke's phone lit up.

"My mom says it's fine and that she's looking forward to meeting you."

"That's nice," Lexa visibly relaxed.

"My mom hasn't met a new friend of mine since high school," Clarke pointed out, "now work while we still can so you don't get all stressy during dinner. And I want you to come to Octavia's play."

"Why would I come to the play of your roommate, who I've never met?"

"Because it's Shakespeare and all that old crap enriches the soul, or some other shit you're likely to expound."

"Did you just use expound in a verbal sentence?" Lexa looked pleased.

"We both just used it, yes," Clarke prodded Lexa's feet with hers.

"I'm not committing to a play," Lexa shook her head.

"The theatre makes your brain grow."

"That's not possible."

"Fine, it gives you a sense of emotional wellbeing," she tried, "well depending on the play and who you are. It may just give you a nice long nap. Though Octavia is excellent."

"We'll see, now shush."

"Sure, sure," Clarke turned back to her books.

**XOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

"So Lexa!" Abby Griffin smiled engagingly at Lexa across the dinner table. "You're at Harvard with Clarke?" The drive to the restaurant had passed mostly with discussion of logistics and details of Octavia's play, and negotiations over whether or not Lexa would or wouldn't be coming. Now that they were sat in the fancy restaurant that typically appealed to her mother, Abby was analyzing the girl sat next to her daughter, eyes absorbing every little detail - the too big glasses, the button up shirt, the neat, neat braid and even that loose strand of hair that Lexa seemed to be consistently unaware of. Finally Abby's eyes landed on bright, clear, green eyes, eyes that resonated with the girl's intelligence. 

"Yes. We've been studying together for the last four years," Lexa responded politely. 

"And were you friends all along?"

"Oh no," Lexa shook her head with a wry smile, "we were definitely not friends before."

"Remember how I used to tell you and dad about the know-it-all girl with her hand constantly in the air?" Clarke waggled her eyebrows and pointed theatrically at Lexa who dutifully blushed. 

"It frustrates me when they're wrong," she offered by way of unnecessary defence.

"You frustrate me when you're waggling your hand in the air and making classes drag on forever."

"Clarke, Lexa is right to correct them if they're getting things wrong. I'm disappointed you care so little."

"Oh Clarke cares, Dr. Griffin," Lexa corrected at once, "she knows they're wrong - she just didn't enjoy my manner of correction."

"Aw Lexi Loo," Clarke squeezed her hand, surprised that she'd stood up for her, "yeah, we now print out our own hand outs. It's infinitely preferable and the profs have definitely stepped up their game."

Her mom laughed, looking impressed, "well, I should hope so!"

"It's not that I'm saying I'm always right," Lexa began.

"Yeah, you are," Clarke scoffed, removing her hand from Lexa's as an after thought.

"I just believe that professors should be up to date with the latest in good quality evidence based research and Jaha and Kane quite simply aren't."

"Absolutely they should. With the amount I'm paying for Clarke's education I would expect it to be thorough and accurate."

"Well, it doesn't really matter because Clarke is like me," Lexa smiled and then blushed, "well, she's also nothing like me. In fact I think we're polar opposites except for when it comes to reading around the content of a lecture, then we are very similar. And she also makes excellent notes."

"She makes excellent waffles too," Abby stated, smiling fondly at her daughter.

"Mom," Clarke tsked.

"Has she made you her waffles?"

"No! Why haven't you made me waffles Clarke?" Lexa gave her a pouty little look, one eyebrow arched mockingly.

"Tomorrow morning you make this girl waffles Clarke!" Abby insisted as the waiter appeared. Clarke felt Lexa's eyes widen in question as they remained fixed on her, probably wondering why her mother thought she'd be making her waffles on a morning. However, she ignored the girls gaze as they gave their orders. 

"So Lexa, where are you from?" Abby leaned towards Lexa, clearly interested in learning more.

"Washington D.C. My foster mom lives there still but she visits fairly often."

"Foster mom?" Abby's head tilted in that sympathetic way that irritated Clarke,

"Mom, she doesn't owe you her life story," Clarke pointed out. 

"I'm just interested in knowing more about Lexa," Abby chided her. 

"Well, there's not much to know. Lately I seem to spend all my time in library staring at books or Clarke," Lexa informed her. "Because Clarke studies opposite me," she clarified hastily.

"And Clarke manages to study with you opposite her?" Abby asked suspiciously, causing Lexa to blush. Clarke noticed that her friend looked ready to correct her mom so she got there first, 

"Oh mom, it's amazing what a little footsie and quick witted banter will do for my concentration levels," she remarked drolly, receiving a sharp kick to the shins from Lexa which merely made her laugh. She caught her friends eye and gave an imperceptible shake of her head. Lexa pursed her lips, then looked up at Abby,

"Clarke's been trying to ensure we stay relaxed and level headed in the run up to finals." 

"But you are getting your study done Clarke? Did you read the papers I sent you? The new..."

"We read _everything_ ," Lexa interrupted, though she did it in such a congenial way that Abby turned to her happily, clearly thrilled with the girl. 

"You do? And what did you think of it?" 

"Oh, we debated it and looked at where it fit with what Jaha taught and then we watched Indiana Jones."

"Indiana Jones?" Abby frowned, surprised, and Clarke giggled, absolutely adoring Lexa's awkward efforts to discuss things more personal to Clarke. 

"Well, Clarke doesn't eat well and I don't relax well, so once a week we watch a trilogy and I cook dinner, or we order take out if I'm really tired." 

"A trilogy?" Abby's frown deepened as if she could not compute. 

"It started with Scream, then the original Star Wars movies, then Ghostbusters, God...what am I missing?"

"The unpleasant sojourn down the Twilight route."

"Oh yeah," Lexa's mouth curled in distaste. 

"The Hunger Games," Clarke added.

"Oh yeah. I liked those. We've done Mad Max, the Matrix and I'm insisting we wait until after exams for Lord of the Rings."

"Even I can understand why," Clarke prodded Lexa's shoulder playfully.

"How does all this movie watching fit in with lessons and study?" Abby's lips were pursed in disapproval that was directed at Clarke.

"It doesn't, that's the point mom."

"Clarke, your GPA..."

"Is perfect, as is Lexa's."

"Indra, my foster mom, she's really happy I'm doing this. She worries I'll get burn out. That I take my GPA more seriously than life itself. That my GPA is my life. I can get a little off balance with my work to fun ratio, so Clarke's helped with that."

"And I can get a little off balance too," Clarke winked at Lexa, smirking as she blushed because Lexa knew she meant off balance the other way. 

"Right," Abby nodded uncertainly, clearly unimpressed with what she saw as slacking which conflicted with obvious admiration of Lexa. "So Lexa, what are you doing after you graduate?" The change in topic was obvious.

"Lexa has been accepted into Harvard Medical as well," Clarke informed her, surprised by the touch of pride in her voice. 

"Oh how wonderful! You know you aught to move in with Clarke! Octavia is moving to New York so there'll be a spare room. Though maybe you'd want to share? Not that it's any of my business what you do, but I think a little bit of space helps relationships when there's the stress of study. Though Octavia's room would make a lovely study."

"Hmm, it would, don't you think Lex?" Clarke grinned as the suggestion confirmed her mother's mistake about their relationship, though Lexa looked decidedly less happy at the error. "And mom, usually you should let me ask a girl to move in - not really your place."

"You're absolutely right. I'm so sorry," Abby gushed, then looked at Lexa. "Oh dear, I've made you uncomfortable. I'm going to visit the restroom, let you two talk," she stood and headed to the back of the restaurant.

"Your mother thinks I'm your girlfriend," Lexa stated cooly, lips set in a firm, unamused line. 

"Seems to yeah. Pretty funny, huh?" Clarke smiled. "I'm not sure you helped with the discussion of our Friday night _dates_!"

"How is this funny? I'm not your girlfriend and nor do I want to be your girlfriend."

"And I didn't tell her you were, ok?" Clarke huffed a little at Lexa's absolute horror.

"Well then why does she think I am?" Lexa crossed her arms and gave her the stink eye.

"I don't know. Maybe because I've never brought anyone to meet her before? Maybe because you're kind of cute and just the kind of girl she'd want for me. I mean, lets face it, you're about a million times better than the people I normally hook up with," she gestured wildly and then at Lexa's pursed brow realized what she'd said and sought to clarify, "in her eyes anyway."

"Well, you should correct her," she ordered coldly.

"I don't want to. This is the happiest she's been since my dad died. She's totally doting on you and I'm going to let her!"

"That's not fair on your mother Clarke. It's not real. We're only just friends."

"Wound me why don't cha?" Clarke bit back the unexpected hurt at Lexa's dismissal of their uneasy alliance, though genuine hurt must have flashed across her eyes because Lexa was staring at her.

"I didn't mean too," she admitted gently.

"It's ok," Clarke grumbled, ill at ease with this softer version of her sort of friend.

"It's not. That was unfair. We have spent an awful lot of time together in the last month or so."

"And I haven't made a move on you," Clarke tried to inject some levity and it worked because Lexa smiled,

"It must be hard considering how sexy you find me."

"Don't knock the appeal of librarian chic Lexa. You're a very sexy dork."

"I am not, but thanks," Lexa punched her shoulder and as she was drawing back her hand Clarke caught it. 

"Please can you just pretend for tonight? If we're friends my mom may as well get to know you. She can't order you to marry me. You won't be stuck with me forever - I promise."

"I better not be," Lexa squeezed her hand, "you'd drive me nuts."

"Who you trying to kid, Woods? You're already nuts."

"Not really," Lexa shook her head. 

"Eccentric then. I can imagine you at fifty in a little cardigan, your big glasses and your French braid telling everyone how wrong they are and scaring the shit out of interns."

"What's wrong with cardigans?"

"Nothing at all babe," Clarke tugged at the sleeve of Lexa's black cardigan affectionately. "And you actually aught to take Octavia's room. We could walk home together when we've been studying late and it's dark, it's a huge room and the rent is only three hundred and fifty dollars a month."

"You're fucking kidding me?" Lexa's mouth dropped open. "Three hundred and fifty? How is that even possible?"

"Because it's my house. My dad left me money and I bought that house and the rent is just for maintenance and insurances and shit like that. We split all the bills though. What's Anya doing at the end of this year?"

"Moving to D.C actually. She's got an internship with the Department of Defence."

"Wow," Clarke let out a whistle. "Is she hot? Queer?"

"She's hot, queer and not here for long enough, so don't fuck with her."

"Ah, boo," Clarke pouted. 

"And don't discuss cheating on your fake girlfriend when your mom is in the restroom."

"Yeah, good call," Clarke watched her mom walk back across the restaurant.

"So, all sorted?" Abby asked as she slid back into her seat.

"We're fine mom," Clarke declared, only realizing then that she was still holding Lexa's hand. She let go only to thread their fingers together, ignoring the green eyes boring into the side of her head, "but we're not ready to make the call on whether we're ready to live together just yet."

"I get it, honestly. Forget I said anything."

"Done."

"Now Lexa, tell me what area of medicine you're thinking you'd like to go into?"

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

"Thanks for dinner mom," Clarke assessed her mother properly for the first time that night, while Lexa was in the restroom. There was a little more grey in her hair - apparently she'd given up dying it. Not that Clarke blamed her. She actually got it. 

"Thank you for letting me meet Lexa. She's a lovely girl."

"She is lovely," she smiled, because Lexa was. "Annoying too."

"So you say, though you seem more charmed than annoyed."

"I'm not, trust me," Clarke shook her head.

"Well, she certainly seems to adore you," Abby gave her a warm smile.

"How'd you figure that?"

"The way she looks at you when you talk."

"Mom, you're sweet, and Lexa is an awesome girlfriend, but Lexa looks at anyone who talks science and medicine with any knowledge like that. She's like an uber nerd."

"An uber nerd who's back from the restroom," Lexa bobbed on her feet beside them. 

"Ah, my lil dorkarella," Clarke cooed and pressed a kiss to her lips impulsively, making her friend jump.

"Your little anti PDA dorkarella," she stated stiffly.

"Sorry sexy Lexi," Clarke pouted, "guess your lips should be less pouty and soft."

"Oh shut up," Lexa rolled her eyes and took her hand as they followed a laughing Dr. Griffin from the restaurant.

**Six**

Clarke stretched, removing her feet from where they were resting on Lexa's lap and star fished for a moment enjoying the stretch in each of her limbs. The movie was boring. So fucking boring and yet Lexa was staring at it like it was the most amazing movie ever. For a scientist she sure had an unhealthy appreciation of scientifically un factual disaster movies. The _Day after Tomorrow_ wasn't awful but it was just a big storm and there were no women loving women. Clarke needed her women loving women if she was going to endure pseudo science. Science fiction she could deal with, pseudo science not so much.

"I'm bored," she complained reaching for a smartie, throwing it in the air and catching it in her mouth. She grinned at Lexa and waggled her eyebrows in a self-congratulatory manner. 

"I watched Deadpool with you on Sunday, so you watch this with me," Lexa didn't even look away from the screen.

"Deadpool was funny and we were drunk," she moped, scootching in super close to Lexa and fluttering her eye lashes so they brushed against her cheek. 

"Personal space Griffin," Lexa pushed her away, "and we can drink," she shrugged as Clarke clapped her hands and headed to the kitchen for beers. "Not beer," Lexa yelled after her.

"High maintenance," Clarke hollered back, grabbing the ingredients for quick mojitos and setting to cocktail construction. When she returned with the pitcher of mix and two glasses, Lexa looked honestly thrilled and eagerly took her cup. 

"Your mojitos are delicious," she licked at the salt Clarke had actually bothered to put on the rim of the glass.

"Yep, pretty much the best," Clarke drank quickly, before topping up her glass. Lexa passed no judgement, matching her pace and topping up her own with a silent smile. Clarke felt a surge of affection for the girl beside her and clinked their glasses together. "Now this is better," she snuggled into her friends side. 

"Do you have to be so close?"

"Do you have to be so mean?" Clarke smiled into her drink.

"You enjoy making me uncomfortable, don't you?" Lexa asked, flicking her head. 

"Me?" Clarke feigned shock, "not at all."

"You do," Lexa chided. 

"I'm not coming on to you," Clarke clarified, "I just like to cuddle."

"But we're not together," Lexa gave her the kind of look that made her uncomfortable, the one that made her feel like she'd crossed a boundary in this unusual friendship of theirs, a look that made her feel like she might not know Lexa at all. And she liked knowing Lexa. It was impossible to deny the fact that she enjoyed her company, because as much as they were different, they were the same. They'd lost parents, they loved science, they shared a similar sense of humour though they expressed it very differently and they loved working out survival strategies which no one else would do with her. Outwardly they expressed themselves very differently, but something worked in their interactions and when Lexa looked at her like she was currently doing Clarke worried the feeling was one sided. "Oh don't look like that," Lexa's lips curled into a frown, "you can cuddle," she rolled her eyes. 

"I won't make a move," Clarke nestled into her side.

"I know you won't. You don't like me," Lexa gave a sheepish little grin.

"I do like you Lexa," Clarke told her and Lexa ignored the comment while Jake Gyllenhaal kicked off a wolf on screen, where he was apparently on some container ship while in New York. Clarke rolled her eyes.

"I like you too," Lexa admitted after a while and warmth blossomed in Clarke's stomach snd she gave her friend a little squeeze. "Don't get to cocky there Griffin," the brunette reminded but this time Clarke just giggled. 

"I think you like it."

"I don't mind it," Lexa admitted, topping up her mojito again. "You know what we should do?"

"What?"

"Play monopoly. After the movie."

"Monopoly sucks with two people."

"Then chess," Lexa stated optimistically.

"Backgammon?" Clarke asked and Lexa turned to her, face slack with surprise.

"You play backgammon?"

"Kinda why I suggested it," Clarke grinned. 

"Yes, yes, yes," Lexa nodded enthusiastically. "But more mojito and the end of my movie first."

"Ok," Clarke conceded and for a while they drank and watched, until she began to feel decidedly drunk. "Can I play with your hair?" she asked, staring at the French braid with it's one loose strand. 

"Why would you want to play with my hair?" Lexa's face fixed itself in a scowl, though she was clearly tipsy - the way she wrinkled her nose was a total tell.

"Because it's soft and pretty," Clarke twisted the end of the braid in her fingers. 

"It's just hair."

"But I like playing with hair and it'll feel nice and relaxing for you and I can do your braid so you don't have that loose lock of hair."

"What loose lock of hair?" Lexa actually pouted and Clarke was possessed with the urge to press a kiss to her lips, which was weird because she'd never considered kissing Lexa before, despite that silly little peck at the restaurant with her mom a couple of weeks earlier, and yet here she was thinking it wouldn't be so bad. 

"The one you never seem to get into your braid," Clarke began maneuvering herself behind the other girl, who actually shifted forward to make room for her. 

"I'm just going to pretend you're not telling me that because the whole notion that I've been walking around with a damn bit of hair escaping my braid just stresses me out," Lexa leant back into her as she spread her legs around the girls slim hips, ignoring the way her body thought spreading her legs would be an excellent plan, especially with Lexa's strong body nestled between them. What the fuck was wrong with her? She shook her head and pulled the band from the end of Lexa's braid and began to unwind it. 

"Your hair probably looks amazing down," she murmured, giggling when Lexa held up her mojito over her shoulder so she was able to drink from it. "Fuck, I'm a kinda drunk already."

"Hmmm," Lexa shoved her drink back on the table and pressed her head back into Clarke's hands. "Feels nice."

"Yep," Clarke dragged her fingers over Lexa's scalp. The exam that day had taken it out of them. There'd been talk of celebrating but it wasn't the last one and so they'd decided to take the night off and follow up with a full on blow out after the last one. Lexa had to be super tense because she spent her life tied up in knots and exams were extra stressful. Clarke found exams less of a problem than finding motivation for assignments, whereas Lexa seemed to be the opposite. Lexa had been stiff and unyielding all morning, and Clarke had sat behind her tense posture throughout the exam and now was the first time she seemed to actually be relaxing. Clarke couldn't help but think that an orgasm was exactly what the girl needed to fully relax her. Or perhaps an orgasm was exactly what she needed to relax herself given that she couldn't stop thinking about sex. "Lexa..."

"Hmmm," Lexa's head was tilted back entirely in her hands as she rubbed her fingers through it.

"Do you want me to give you a rub?" she smirked at all the potential her question held. 

"Hmmm, yeah," Lexa's eyes slid shut as she moved her hands down to tight tendons in her neck, tracing her fingers ever so gently along the scar that marred the skin.

"Do exams make it hurt more?" She asked as she worked her thumbs into stiff shoulder muscles, ignoring the effect Lexa's moans were having on her. 

"Hmm yeah, leaning over does it, but fuck...you have good hands..."

"Oh Lexi I do," Clarke chuckled and was pleased when Lexa laughed too. "Not looking to be a surgeon then?"

"I'd have loved to be a surgeon, but no that's not going to happen for me."

"Did you mean it when you told my mom you want to be an internal medicine specialist of some sort?"

"Why would I lie?" Lexa hummed as Clarke rubbed up and down her spine before brushing her thumbs over knots. 

"Cos my mom was being kind of pushy?"

"She was being interested. It didn't feel pushy to me. But she'd not my mother. I noticed a general push for you to do what she does."

"You did huh," Clarke stared at Lexa's neck feeling tipsy and warm and fuzzy and like kissing her soft skin would feel really good. Not one to shy away from her impulses she brushed the hair over Lexa's shoulder and pressed a kiss against the scar down the back of her neck and when Lexa didn't flinch or tell her to back off, she pressed another to her shoulder. "That ok?" she asked and Lexa nodded and hummed softly. Emboldened by the nod Clarke kissed up the side of Lexa's neck until she reached her fluttering pulse which her tongue snuck out to press against.

"Why are you doing this?" Lexa whispered almost rhetorically. 

"Feels nice."

"Hmmm." The soft hum was given with a slight turn of her head that brought Clarke's lips to the impressive jaw line which she lavished with kisses, until another turn, this time of Lexa's whole body, connected her lips with a chin and finally lips so soft they felt like marshmallows, like billowy clouds looked like they should feel, and they moved under hers. She'd expected Lexa to be a passive receiver, to allow her to lead and dominate and dictate but that wasn't how kissing Lexa was at all. Lexa's hand wound into her hair and held her close as their lips moved together, and Lexa was the one to move her tongue first, to press it against hers and it felt good, really good. Clarke sat with Lexa's body half on her, their lips pressed together kissing as her arms wrapped around the slim brunette and she trailed her hand up and cupped one perfect boob. 

"Fuck, you're pretty good at this," Clarke squeezed and hummed appreciatively into the kiss at the feel of the boob in her palm. "You've got nice tits."

"Don't call them tits," Lexa told her and Clarke found herself giggling into the kiss.

"Not sorry," she squeezed her hand again before pinching the pebbled nipple, relishing the way Lexa's hips thrust up from where she was pretty much sat in her lap. She stared at the way Lexa's mouth had dropped open just slightly, and her eyes had fallen shut and brushed her fingers roughly over the nipple, watching the arch of Lexa's back as she whimpered her approval. Clarke had a million thoughts fill her head at that beautiful expression. She smiled at Lexa's ridiculous glasses, still on her face, before running her fingertips across each feature. The girl sat against her was still, head tilted back onto her shoulder as she explored each contour of her face. "You know Raven was right?" she whispered and Lexa's eyes fluttered open.

"Raven?" Lexa looked adorably confused.

"You're really hot," Clarke grinned and when Lexa smiled she kissed her again, a soft, gentle open mouthed kiss. The kiss deepened when Lexa pushed her tongue back into her mouth and Clarke simultaneously wanted more and found just kissing Lexa to be enough. kissing her and holding a gorgeous breast in her hand. Kissing her and hearing the soft moan that rumbled into the kiss every time she brushed her fingers roughly against the pebbled nipple. Kissing and feeling like she wanted to slide her hand down into the pyjama pants Lexa was wearing. Her hips kept rising and pressing into Lexa's firm, muscular ass, and given the angle it wouldn't ever be enough to get her off, but for some reason she didn't care about getting off. She wanted Lexa to lose it, to finally relax and come apart. And she wanted to be the one to make her do so, more than she'd probably wanted anything before, not that she understood why, just that Lexa was a riddle that challenged her, a puzzle she couldn't solve. Any other lesbian and Clarke was cocky enough to be sure they'd have slept together months ago. They were friends, albeit grudgingly, though it was perhaps more sincere for that reason. They were both hot, though in entirely different ways. They both had the same interest and intellect but with different accents go it so it was only ever interesting. They were constantly together because of situation and design. Logically they should have been fucking since the first time Lexa came over to watch Scream. But they hadn't been because Lexa was annoying. Because Lexa wasn't her type. Because she wasn't Lexa's. They hadn't been fucking because they felt nothing. Clarke ignored the fact that didn't feel quite accurate, for her anyway, and slid her hand to he waistband of Lexa's pyjama's.

"Can I touch you?" she broke the kiss to ask, her question in response to her own desires and the constant rise of Lexa's hips into the air as she sought friction. 

"Hmm, yeah," Lexa actually widened her goddamend legs and it sent a bolt of pleasantness straight between her own. Permission gained she pushed past the cotton material of her old pyjama's and down over smooth, defined abs, before she hit the cotton of Lexa's underwear. She knew Lexa was ever the over thinker and she wanted this moment, the moment of utter joy that came when she pushed her fingers into a girls underwear to find her wet and wanting, so she kissed her again, kissed her for a long time before she pushed under thin cotton and pressed her fingers against the girl's clit which she swore she could feel throbbing. 

"Fuck," she moaned into the kiss, starting her fingers working around that beautiful little button of joy, her fingers dipping into divine heat and dragging slick back up to ease the smoothness of her rubbing fingers. She experimented a little, soft little flicks, slow circles, rubbing roughly and hard, pinching a little. It was fun to experiment, to see what noises and facial expressions she could pull from the girl sat on top of her, what seemed to torture her and what seemed to push her towards the edge. 

"You're having far too much fun," Lexa husked breathily, kissing long since abandoned as Clarke's fingers worked her over. 

"So much fun," she agreed, nipping at the pulse point on Lexa's neck as she pinched her clit, giggling at the long groan and rise of Lexa's hips into her hand.

"Fuck," Lexa swore as Clarke pushed her fingers down and into her, letting them rest inside her for a long moment, before pulling them out and starting up the relentless torture of her clit again. 

"You make different noises depending on how I touch you," she whispered into Lexa's cute little ear, nipping the lobe and watching Lexa's toes quite literally curl. "You like your lil ears being bit, huh? So very noted," Clarke grinned. "You see I know just how to make you cum but I love being in control."

"Don't believe you," Lexa sucked in a breath and made a little squeak when Clarke's fingers did larger, harder and faster circles. 

"No?" Clarke pulled her hand out of her underwear and Lexa whimpered, both of hers grabbing hold of it and pushing it back. 

"Please."

"Please what?"

"Make me cum," Lexa begged. 

"Like this?" Clarke asked, dragging Lexa's earlobe into her mouth as her fingers danced, rubbing and pinching in what she already thought of as Lexa perfection, rewarded with the jackpot of all orgasm noises, when Lexa thrust up roughly into her hand and cried out loudly, both of her hands clamping down on Clarke's as she came apart. Clarke slid her fingers down, sliding them through soaking wet folds and sliding them easily to nestle inside of the girl, where she could still feel her fluttering. 

"Oh my god," Lexa sighed, body splayed in a sitting position on Clarke, everything languidly sinking into her. "Don't move your fingers."

"Not planning to," Clarke giggled, giving them a little pump. There wasn't really room to manoeuvre considering Lexa was still wearing pyjamas and the angle would kill her arm, but it was fun to insinuate that she could. 

"That was good," Lexa mumbled eventually and Clarke got that it was time to move her hand, and she slowly withdrew her fingers, trailing them gently over Lexa's clit and then out of her underwear and pyjama's. 

"Told you sex was a good way to relieve stress," Clarke informed her a little smugly as they resettled on the couch, her body leaned into Lexa's. 

"Do you want me to, you know? For you?" Lexa stared at her and Clarke did want it, though at the same time it felt like a nice something to give Lexa without asking for anything in return. 

"I'm good. Maybe just let me cuddle?" she liked being close to Lexa. Whatever body wash and shampoo combo she used smelt delicious and she was firm and strong, and yet also soft and yielding. 

"You want to cuddle?"

"I told you I like fucking girls."

"You also said you like it when they repay the favour," Lexa shrugged her arm wrapping around her.

"Yeah, well I know casual sex isn't exactly your thing," Clarke found herself burrowing closer to Lexa as the final scenes of the movie they were no longer watching played out. 

"No it isn't."

"So how come you let me do that?"

"Well, it felt good," Lexa leant back a little so she could smile at her and she gave a little smile in response, "and I don't know, I guess because we're friends or whatever, it didn't feel gross and entirely meaningless."

"But not entirely meaningful?" Clarke giggled into her pillow of boob. They might be covered with a tank, but they were soft and lovely.

"I know you think I'm weird. I know you don't get it."

"I don't think you're weird and too right I don't get it, mainly cos you've never explained _it_."

Lexa sighed, and Clarke pulled away from the cuddle so she could look at her.

"I just..."

"You just what?"

"I'd like to be with someone I feel a real attraction for."

"And you've never met a girl you find attractive?" Clarke winced internally, because that didn't feel good given where her fingers had recently been.

"It's not that. I mean I _know_ I'm a lesbian. I enjoy sex with girls. I can appreciate attractive features and find girls attractive. Even you," Lexa begrudged, "I can see that you're _very_ attractive, objectively speaking."

"Wow, you're a real charmer," Clarke deadpanned and Lexa actually flushed. 

"Don't act like you're into me. I know you're not."

"I don't know Woods, you're kinda cute," Clarke joked, but realized as she said the words that she wasn't entirely sure if she was or wasn't into Lexa. She was somewhat confused about Lexa. 

"Yeah, yeah," green eyes rolled. "And objectively you and I could have a lot of fun together if only I wasn't such a pris."

"I don't think a pris comes like you do."

"I think they do when it's your hand is in their underwear."

"Fine, so objectively we could have a lot of fun. Why couldn't we ever be more?"

"Because you don't give me butterflies," Lexa admitted. 

"Butterflies?"

"You know, that heady feeling of desire and attraction in your stomach when someone is meant for you?"

"You're waiting for butterflies?" Clarke squinted and Lexa nodded. "Oh come on," she laughed and Lexa stiffened. 

"You don't have to agree but you also don't have to be disrespectful."

"Oh god Lexa, I'm not trying to be disrespectful, really I'm not. And I know I'm never gonna be the girl to give you butterflies. The thing is I just don't believe in butterflies."

"You've never felt that feeling in your stomach?"

"Yeah I have. You wanna know what it means?"

"What?"

"That I was nervous," Clarke shrugged and Lexa huffed,

"Well, yeah. I'd be nervous if I was super attracted to someone."

"Yeah but that's what it is. It's nervousness because you have to interact with someone you find attractive."

"So what does it mean if you never feel it?"

"It means you're not a nervous kinda person?" Clarke offered and Lexa seemed to ponder it. 

"I don't know. Don't you think that maybe you will one day just see a person, and you'll know that they're _the_ person?"

"You mean like in _Imagine Me and You?_ "

"Yeah. Or you know, any movie really. Don't you believe in love at first sight?"

"I believe you can get a feeling but I also believe that you don't always and that it can be wrong," she shrugged, "and who is to say what's better? Falling in love on the superficial, or love that creeps up on you."

"Has love ever crept up on you?" Lexa asked and Clarke thought about it.

"I don't know. I think we can think we're in love and then it ends and we realize perhaps it wasn't. And I think it's really easy to confuse love and obsession."

"Right," Lexa's mouth curled into a pensive pout.

"Nah, listen to me Lexa," Clarke prodded her and bit her lip when Lexa turned sceptical eyes on her. 

"Your not the first person to try and talk me out of wanting butterflies."

"It's up to you what you wanna hold out for. It is. And yeah, if you don't get nervous anticipation and that buzz I can understand why you might wonder whether you really find them all that attractive."

"Or whether I'm asexual," Lexa put in.

"Yeah. I can see that. But if you're asexual, which is way ok - remember we're all different - you can still enjoy sex. If you want. On your terms."

"But I miss out on the butterflies?"

"You miss out on nerves."

"I don't think butterflies and nerves are the same thing," Lexa gave her a sweet little look of frustration, all scrunched lips and glarey eyes.

"Ok, so there was this study. A Canadian study by McMaster University and the University of Montreal."

"The Harvard's of the North?" Lexa teased.

"Not exactly but they found that women who exercise in front of mirrors had greater anxiety about their physical experience..."

"Then I should change gym," Lexa quipped and Clarke took her hand and threaded their fingers together. 

"Yeah, but you're missing the point. It's about enhanced self-awareness. The women saw themselves reflected and they compared themselves to others. It distorted their perception of self, of reality."

"And that has what to do with butterflies?" Lexa squinted in confusion. 

"It's part of a bigger picture. It's about perfection and the perception and myth of love and being in love versus the reality. A myth of perfection."

"The mythical concept of perfection?" Her giggle was so incredibly lovely.

"Yeah, the mythical concept of perfection especially in relation to finding 'the one!'"

"I'm not expecting perfection, just something," Lexa squeezed her hand and Clarke was irritated with herself when tendrils of heat travelled from their joined hands to rest low in her belly.

"Yeah but why are you expecting anything? Because Hollywood movies, television, the media, all the damn fanfiction you pretend you don't read - they make the relationships intense and just so much more..they distort your perception of reality."

"More?"

"Yeah, more than reality. Everything is hot and heated, and full of burning desire, need, and so much fucking just ' _knowing_ ’ someone is the person for you. They fall in love and are absolutely correct that the person is the one for them, based on what? A look. A conversation. Heated bathroom sex. A text message. Seeing them on stage. It's all fucking bullshit. It's superficial and it doesn't mean the person is actually for them."

"I get what you're saying Clarke. I'm waiting for something that may not exist, but you've had it."

"Had what? How do we even know what the fuck butterflies are? Media has spread this concept of a feeling and we know full well we can't measure and compare that between two individuals."

"Yeah, but you can measure heart rate."

"And I measured your heart rate with my tongue on your pulse point when I was fucking you. It was elevated."

"Because of the sex."

"Not in anticipation of it?" Clarke clarified with a wry nod, wondering why the comment stung. 

"Right."

"So you never get a raised heart rate? That's what you're looking for? A raised heart rate around a girl you find hot?"

"You're being dismissive," Lexa stiffened.

"I'm trying to understand."

"Yeah. That's what I'm looking for. And in anticipation of talking to her, being with her."

"So you can only ever fall in love with a stranger?"

"What? No," Lexa shrugged, "I mean a change in relationship can cause that too, right?"

"You mean like how I caused that when I shoved my hand in your pants?" Clarke didn't know why but the whole conversation was beginning to make her feel bad.

"No. I mean how afterwards it would feel different, that there'd be something more there..."

"Like what? Anxiety and awkwardness? The stress of where we go next?" Clarke removed her hand from Lexa's.

"You're mocking me because you don't agree."

"It's not that I don't agree Lexa. I just think we're all different. And you're turning away potential people who could make you really happy because you're hanging out for a feeling you may never get and that passes. That feeling doesn't last forever."

"Which is easy for someone who's had it to say."

"Lexa I don't call it butterflies. For me I've had it with people who take the upper hand. People who leave me hanging on in nervous anxiety. I've had it with people who weren't right for me in any way. In the relationships I've had with the people who I really liked and liked me back, it wasn't really like that."

"And that's you."

"That's my point Lexa. Maybe this is you."

"But doesn't that feeling...doesn't it make everything better?"

"No," Clarke shook her head. "I think in books, on the tv, in damn fanfiction, maybe. It builds readers anticipation, this notion of desperate desire and need, and crazy cataclysmic orgasms but the reality is sex is kinda messy, and funny and lovely. Giving you an orgasm I didn't expect to give you on my couch with Cheetos dust on your shirt - that was really fucking hot. Hotter than the last time someone fucked me."

"I don't know," Lexa sucked her lips into her mouth for a second. 

"We're animals Lexa. That 'can't stop fucking' stage of any relationship is as intense as the chemicals we release. Maybe you don't release super strong chemicals. At the end of the day if you decided to stay with someone you love, then that's the person for you. Preferably they'll love you back and make you feel happy and good."

"So butterflies, if they exist, are nerves and chemicals?"

"No. I'm just saying that the lust driven start to most relationships is chemically driven."

"I know that. And yeah, maybe not everyone feels that as strongly and maybe there's a link there to being asexual that we should explore one day when we're renowned doctors, but I'm talking about a feeling."

"And I'm asking where this concept came from?"

"From other people."

"Well, I'm another person who's telling you it's bullshit."

"I just think for the relationship to really be something, it needs to at least start that way."

"So, you honestly think any relationship you start that wasn't based on butterflies would be doomed to failure?"

"No, not exactly. But would it be _the_ relationship?"

"Is this about soul mates?" Clarke frowned, "because nervous anticipation does not mean that person is your soulmate, trust me."

"I don't believe in soulmate's - I'm a scientist," Lexa gave her a look, but it didn't ring true.

"But you want to," it was a statement.

"Don't you?"

"Sure it would be nice. Maybe I'm too much of a scientist because I just believe in compatibility. That hopefully you meet someone who you're sexually, emotionally and mentally compatible with."

"What about magic and romance?"

"Compatibility and romance aren't mutually exclusive you know?"

"But without butterflies..."

"It can be fun, and amazing, and just as wonderful."

"Well, I'm not ready to give up on that whole concept yet."

"Okay," what was she supposed to say to that? "I get it I suppose."

"Do you think I'm asexual?" Lexa asked and Clarke pondered what she knew about asexuality.

"I honestly don't know much about it. I think you could explore that, but the truth is you are who you are. Lexa Woods. The girl with stunning green eyes and pouty lips and a brain that is insanely full of intellect and also surprisingly sweet. The girl with too big glasses, who's a little uptight but pretty funny. You like sex. You like girls. You can come pretty easy. I don't know...you fill in the rest."

"I like the way you see me," Lexa admitted after a moment. "I don't know how to fill in the rest. I don't really know how to describe myself. I'm idealistic and yet realistic. I don't know what I think really."

"So stop thinking maybe?"

"And what, just feel?" Lexa teased.

"That was cheesy, right?"

"The cheesiest."

"Says the girl that believes in soulmate's and butterflies."

"Cynic."

"Optimist."

"Shut up and get the backgammon board. I think I can probably beat you."

Turns out she couldn't because Clarke was excellent.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is going on with Clarke and Lexa?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all rock! Seriously. Love the comments, the discussion, all of it. Thanks to jaelle90 for reading this ahead of posting and to laraontheinternets from tumblr who pointed out some typos (always, always do this. I hate them! And I love to annihilate them.) I also corrected my McMaster type - sorry, sorry:) I don't know how I did that. 
> 
> So yeah, my notes are basically just a long list of thanks! Love your comments and they definitely feed into changes I make before posting, so please keep them coming. Here or tumblr is good.

**Seven**

"So..." Raven drawled as she slipped into a seat at the dining table.

"Sooooo, what?" Clarke rolled her eyes as she continued to slice a carrot at the kitchen counter. 

"Just wondering if Lexa is now your booty call?" Raven asked and Clarke heard, rather than saw her feet rest on the table, thus could imagine her smirking expression. 

"What?" Clarke didn't turn, just focussed on preparing the healthy revision snacks Lexa always insisted upon. If it were up to her there'd be chips and chocolate.

"Is Lexa Woods, the hot nerd you banged on our couch last night - yuck by the way - now your booty call?" Raven spoke clearly and way too loudly. "I mean last night you dished the dirt and went to bed. I just want to know what's going on in your life, Clarke," Raven was dramatic enough for Clarke to know it was in jest.

"You mean you're nosy."

"That too," Raven admitted. "So?"

"So, she's my study partner. Or I don't know, we've never really clarified that, but we study together, which you know. And we're friends which you know."

"And you have quasi dates watching movies. And take her to meet mommy. And fuck her..."

"It wasn't like that," Clarke huffed moodily. "We watch movies because it's stressful at the moment and we need mental space, I fucked her because it's what I do when life is too much, and I took her to meet my mom because I couldn't bear another evening of nothing but shop talk."

"You're shitting me right now? Right?" Raven scoffed, her cackle of a laugh filling the kitchen. 

"What?" Clarke turned to look at her friend, irritated by her all knowing aura.

"You like her," Raven told her. 

"Of course I like her - we're friends like I said. She's not as stuck up as I thought. She's actually pretty cool and...."

"Don't be fucking annoying Griffin - you know what I meant."

"I don't want to talk about _that_ ," Clarke really didn't, it just wouldn't be helpful. 

"Because it's true?" Raven had the hint of a smile forming. 

"Because...I don't know how to answer that."

"You planning on sleeping with her again?"

"If she'll let me," Clarke carried the chopping board to the table and sat opposite Raven.

"Why wouldn't she let you? You're incredibly hot and I know from experience how good you are with your digits."

"Lexa just isn't into me. It's like, I know she likes me, but sometimes I'm not sure she does."

"That makes no sense. I mean, she's obviously into you," Raven rolled her eyes.

"She really isn't," Clarke told her seriously and Raven's expression sobered,

"Why not?" The sincere perplexity warmed Clarke's heart. 

"About a million reasons. I'm too crass, I'm not her type. I annoy her."

"Bullshit. She spends every day with you."

"Look, just forget it, ok?" Clarke didn't feel the need to discuss the complexity of Lexa Woods with her best friend.

"Sure, sure," Raven held up her hands in defence, and then stood when there was a knock at the door. 

"Come in Lex," Clarke hollered watching Raven head to the stairs.

"I'm gonna work upstairs - I don't want you to forget I'm sat here and give me a show," she winked. 

"Oh shut up," Clarke threw a carrot stick at her which she caught and munched. "And stay up there," she joked as Lexa joined her in the kitchen. 

"So I thought we'd start with medicinal chemistry, then genetics and molecular biology, then a break and then we can move onto math," Lexa made a face.

"Hello to you too," Clarke stood and grinned at her before rather boldly pressing a kiss to her pretty cheek, despite not knowing how it would be received. 

"If you want to do _that_ we have to study first," Lexa told her, deadly serious, apparently unfazed by the new physical aspect to their relationship.

"Of course we do," Clarke matched her serious tone.

"Mockery is not the product of a strong mind," Lexa told her huffily. 

"But orgasms are the just rewards of hard work?" she teased.

"You're very frustrating."

"Says the girl insisting I have to wait to fuck her," Clarke stepped right into Lexa's personal space, heart hammering, slight anxiety at the potential for rejection. "I made you healthy snacks," she whispered the words and watched green eyes soften. 

"You did?"

"A rainbow of them. Blueberries, cucumbers, yellow peppers, mango, raspberries and carrots."

"You want me to eat the rainbow?" Lexa smirked and Clarke figured it was about as close to flirting that the other girl would get.

"Actually I'm pretty keen to eat your rainbow," she winked and Lexa laughed,

"You're ridiculous Clarke."

"I try," she pressed her lips to Lexa's because she loved kissing, and Lexa's lips were so very pretty and so very close, and it felt like it should be ok since they were talking about having sex later. At first the kiss was slow, uncertain, but it deepened and Clarke had no idea if she'd increased the intensity or Lexa had. Her hands found Lexa's hips, and one of Lexa's fed itself into her loose hair. 

"I thought Lexa was a study buddy?" Octavia's voice sounded amused and it broke them apart. 

"Just a little motivation," Clarke shrugged easily though Lexa's cheeks burned. "Octavia, Lexa," she introduced them both. 

"Nice to meet you," Octavia appraised Lexa from head to toe, being very unsubtle about it. "Wow - you're absolutely gorgeous," she gave a low whistle.

"You're dating Lincoln, aren't you?" Lexa seemed confused by Octavia's appreciative glance.

"It was merely an observation, not a come on," Octavia grinned wickedly. "Though honestly..." she let her eyes rove Lexa again, her words heavy with insinuation.

"Are you _all_ bisexual or something?" Lexa blurted out, clearly unnerved. 

Octavia only laughed, "Yeah, Clarke made a queer clause on the tenancy."

"I'm pretty sure that would be illegal," Lexa frowned. 

"Hey it's ok, means you're a shoo in for my room when I move," Octavia reasoned. 

"Is she being serious?" Lexa turned to Clarke. 

"Aww babe, you're pretty cute if you believe O when she's in wind up mode. Octavia's straight and one hundred percent horny for your buddy Lincoln. Now let's go study before you faint from stress."

"Please," Lexa nodded, casting a glare in Octavia's direction. Clarke grabbed the rainbow snacks and Lexa's hand before releasing a sigh at the sight of the mountain of notes on the coffee table. She put the plate on a corner of the table and slumped onto the couch next to Lexa.

"Hit me with the medicinal chemistry," she sighed, laying her feet on Lexa's lap as they both got comfortable.

"Ok," Lexa pulled a wad of revision cards from her bag, each card filled with her small neat script. She gave half the cards to Clarke, before beginning to quiz her. "We'll do these first then move onto notes."

***

"My brain is gonna fry," Clarke moaned as Lexa asked her yet another question. They'd been revising for what felt like hours. They'd gone through medicinal chemistry, and were half way through genetics. "We know this stuff. You know that, right?"

"Yes but we haven't finished making sure we know it all," Lexa complained. 

"How about you keep asking questions of yourself and answering them and I'll do this," she moved to straddle Lexa's lap, careful not to knock over the piles of cards - that would be a stress inducing disaster. She smiled down at the girl, loving how her legs felt when parted over the other girl. 

"Clarke," Lexa stared at her, big eyes magnified under her glasses. 

"Keep reading your flash cards, babe," she pressed her lips to Lexa's warm neck, lavishing kisses there, sniffing indulgently and raising a hand up Lexa's side before brushing her thumb over the curve of her breast. A soft moan from Lexa made her whole body flush. "Genetics Lexa," she nipped that cute little ear lobe and Lexa's hips lifted up of the couch and into hers. A soft whimper escaped beyond her control and she ground down into the girl beneath her. "Lexa," she husked, "read the genetics stuff."

And Lexa did. Voice stuttering, moans interspersed between words. But she read because when she stopped Clarke dropped the tempo, and when she read Clarke picked it up. Lexa asked herself questions and then answered them, and when she answered correctly Clarke popped a button on her jeans. Until Lexa's jeans were open and pushed down and Clarke's hand was working between her legs, fingers thrusting and curling, until the revision cards were forgotten, Lexa's eyes closed as she panted and moaned, and rocked her body to meet the thrust of Clarke's fingers. 

"You feel good around my fingers," Clarke murmured without thinking and Lexa came, her body clenching tightly as she moaned and tugged her in for a bruising kiss. 

"You're really good with your hands," Lexa mumbled into the kiss and she found herself grinning. 

"I like using them on you."

"Hmmm," Lexa hummed and pulled her close, arms around her.

"You're cuddling me," Clarke smiled a small smile from where she was pressed against Lexa's chest. 

"You like cuddling."

"And you don't?"

"I don't hate it I guess. It feels like it alleviates some of my stress."

"You know that's true, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, a twenty second hug releases endorphins," Lexa mumbled, breath still ragged. "And lowers cortisol."

"It does. And it helps you feel close," Clarke sniffed Lexa, loving her fresh scent and the way it reassured her. Sometimes she felt like she'd lost all perspective on life since her dad, it was all study and sex and focus on the future. Being wrapped in Lexa's arms grounded her. Lexa had a similar work ethic and yet when they studied together, when they hugged, when Lexa let her push her fingers inside of her, it added something to her two dimensional life. Sex with Lexa didn't overwhelm her. It didn't release that valve she'd been loosening since her father died. It wasn't the same as the casual sex she usually had, because she and Lexa were friends and study partners. It was confusing. Clarke shoved her thoughts aside, not wanting to dwell on why she wanted to fuck Lexa but only be cuddled in return. 

"You are very cuddly," Lexa mused pressing a kiss to her head.

"That feels like you're calling me chubby," Clarke fixed her with a steely look that failed when Lexa smiled brightly,

"You're not chubby in the slightest and even if you were, who cares? You're happy with how you look, I can tell it in the way you carry yourself. I just meant that it's nice cuddling you."

"Oh," Clarke burrowed back into her side. "It's nice cuddling you."

"I'm not normally the biggest fan of long cuddles," Lexa explained and Clarke smiled against her body.

"No?"

"No."

"Do you think you'll want to cuddle with the girl who finally gives you butterflies?"

"I assume so. Normally I don't love it. I mean, I've always known what research says about hugs, but they've always seemed kind of pointless. I always had stuff I wanted to do more and not doing it caused more stress than a hug would ever relieve."

"I can believe that."

"But I like studying on this couch with you," Lexa attempted to explain and Clarke recognized that it was hard for her. "I like your feet on my lap. Sitting close. I like the proximity. That surprises me."

"Maybe you like me and that's what really surprises you," Clarke smiled and pressed a kiss to Lexa's lips. 

"Maybe both surprise me."

"I think sometimes we keep our distance emotionally and physically because it's easier to focus on our individual needs. And you and I? We're pretty driven. It's nice when the emotional and physical closeness mesh well with personal goals. Maybe you like cuddling me because it doesn't get in the way of the things you want to do, because we have the same overall agenda?"

"Maybe," Lexa nodded, clearly thinking. Then she smiled, "Do they mesh well enough for me to say I want to pull up my pants and get back to study?"

"They mesh well enough for you to say that," Clarke laughed and this time Lexa kissed her, before pushing to her feet and pulling up her underwear and jeans. 

"Thank you," she actually blushed. 

"Orgasms are good for you."

"I'll return the favour next break."

"Nah, I just...I really like doing that to you."

"Whatever you want," Lexa nodded and Clarke shoved her feet back on Lexa's lap, closer than before. 

"You got the last answer wrong by the way but I didn't want to throw you off achieving our end goal so I didn't say anything," she smirked and Lexa narrowed her eyes. 

"Ask the question again, I was obviously distracted."

 

**Eight**

"Holy fuck Lexa," Clarke gripped the sheets as Lexa's mouth worked between her legs, intermittently pressing soft butterfly kisses to her thighs and clit, before brushing her tongue roughly over the throbbing nub. 

"You always play with me," Lexa accused. It was true. In the two weeks since Clarke had first had sex with her friend she had taken great pleasure in teasing and torturing the girl, with her tongue, her fingers, her thigh, her mouth tight around her clit. In the two weeks since that first night on her couch, in the two weeks full of finals, Clarke had been making Lexa come as often as the brunette would allow. Lexa would insist on quick because they had revision to do. Clarke would drag it out a little, because she liked fucking Lexa, it somehow helped her to relax, but inevitably within twenty minutes, after an orgasm, a cuddle and a chat, they'd be back to revision. Nothing else changed. Not really. Lexa sat at her desk and Clarke at hers, the nickname for her desk, _Griffin's Wood_ cemented after Harper overheard them in a study room going at it. So what if they sat closer, bodies touching, cuddling as they quizzed each other?

Earlier in the day they'd finally sat their last exam and when they reached Clarke's house for some chill time before going out to celebrate with everyone else, Lexa had dragged her into the bedroom where Clarke had fully expected to be the one to drop to her knees, but Lexa had kissed her hard, bowling them both onto the bed before divesting Clarke of her clothes and trailing kisses down her body. 

"You owe me like a million orgasms, make me come," she begged, legs opening wider. Lexa hummed from in between them and then Clarke lost focus on the world around her, on everything but the feeling of Lexa's warm mouth torturing her over the edge. Everything became about how her mouth felt, how her tongue felt, and how sinfully she used it as she lay between Clarke's thighs. Clarke wanted the crescendo, the clench in her stomach, the spreading heat, she wanted it all and Lexa delivered, fuck did she deliver, and when Clarke came, the stress of the last few weeks seemed to ebb out of her. Only Lexa seemed to have heeded the bill she'd been given, that payment was due for a million orgasms, and she sunk further into the space between her thighs, pushing her strong tongue inside of her, thrusting it as her fingers trailed light circles on her clit, and before long the combination had her coming again. When Lexa still didn't relent, just switched her tongue and her fingers Clarke thought she might have died and be in some weird orgasm heaven where Oprah was stood shouting, "Orgasms for everyone," because Lexa's fingers were long and fulfilling and with her hot mouth over her clit, her tongue flicking and her mouth sucking, Clarke was a gonna for a third time, and three was enough. She tugged Lexa from between her legs by her hair and the brunette landed on her naked body, face resting against her boobs. 

"Just so you know," Clarke whispered, hands playing with soft mocha locks, "you're damn good at that. Objectively speaking."

"Glad to please," Lexa turned her face further into Clarke's more than ample chest and nuzzled it which was really sweet. Clarke felt a weird twist to her stomach, a pulse of homesickness, or grief, or something she associated with change, with loss, with her father now, and she was surprised by the sting of tears. She'd never been a girl who got emotional with sex, she'd certainly never cried, but Lexa's thorough loving had exposed her, made her vulnerable somehow and tears were held at bay by eyelids that were clamped tightly shut. Clarke didn't know how Lexa knew, perhaps she'd stiffened, but the other girl moved up her body and pulled her close. "You ok?" she whispered and Clarke didn't know how to answer because she didn't know if she was ok or not. She probably wasn't. She opened her eyes and two tears tracked down each of her cheeks. Lexa brushed them away.

"I don't know," she answered and Lexa seemed uncertain as to how to handle her when she wasn't bubbly and cock sure, because she bit her lip and her mouth opened an closed several times with nothing coming out. 

"I feel like that sometimes," she admitted in the end.

"No you don't," Clarke shook her head, fairly certain Lexa didn't feel like this - about her at least.

"I do," Lexa insisted, "like when we were on the couch last week, taking a break from revising for Jaha's final, and you didn't use your fingers like you had been, but used your mouth on me for the first time. I felt all weird. Kind of emotional and like I might not cope. Like it was too much and yet not enough."

"Oh god, Lexa," Clarke felt two more tears escape, as frustration coiled inside of her, because Lexa had just described what she herself considered to be butterflies and she knew Lexa would never see it that way, because Lexa, with her stoic personality, with her ability to be so fucking self-contained, was expecting something magical, something beyond a biological reaction. Scientific Lexa wanted science fiction - in her opinion anyway. 

"Oh god, Lexa, what?" Lexa said when it became clear she didn't plan to explain.

"Nothing," Clarke sighed. "I'm gonna doze then I'll do you if you want, before we head out."

"You don't have to do anything. I still owe you nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety seven orgasms, so I think you're good. Just cuddle and doze."

"Thanks," Clarke sniffed a little and Lexa's arms tightened around her. 

**Nine**

"Clarke," Lexa was sat behind her on the couch, legs stretched around her as they watched the Walking Dead, a show they both loved. The physical closeness was now so frequent and usual that Clarke didn't even think about it when Lexa pulled her onto her lap to watch TV. They were scantily dressed due to the oppressive heat that had settled over the city, but a fan in the corner aimed a steady breeze at them. The heat bothered Clarke a lot less given that finals had ended three weeks earlier and her days were now spent sunbathing in the park, Lexa's head on her stomach, or on hikes Lexa insisted were fun despite the heat, drinking with friends and teaching Lexa how to play pool, and of course the obligatory preparation study for medical school that Lexa insisted upon. She and Lexa weren't anything defined and yet Clarke couldn't help but feel Lexa was in some way everything.

"Hmmm?" Clarke was feeling blissfully relaxed as Lexa combed her fingers through her hair, and over her scalp, pressing the occasional kiss to her neck. 

"So I was thinking about whether I should take Octavia's room," Lexa said, lifting her hair and pressing an open mouthed kiss to the back of her neck, before starting to braid a strand. 

"Hmmm, yeah, she's going next month so you can give your landlord notice. If there's any overlap you can just bunk in with me," she snuggled back closer. 

"Actually, I was thinking that I probably shouldn't move in here," Lexa sounded almost amused, like this should have been Clarke's logical conclusion. 

"Huh?" The blissful feeling was gone at once, her heart beginning to thud.

"Well, we keep having sex," Lexa stated and Clarke couldn't help but cringe at the way she said those words. "All the time."

"And you living here would make that very convenient," Clarke shrugged, aiming for casual. "I mean...unless that's the problem?"

"We do other things too though. Like cuddle, and talk, play backgammon and do art. And it's not a problem exactly, and yes it would be convenient if I lived here, but it isn't really helpful or productive, is it?"

"To work? I thought it was all incredibly productive as both motivation and reward, especially the sex," she joked but it fell a little flat because it all suddenly felt awkward, whereas moments earlier everything had been so easy.

"Well yes, in that way it's productive," Lexa continued apparently oblivious to the small shards of metaphorical glass she was sliding into Clarke's heart as her implication became clearer, "but it would maybe be _too_ convenient, don't you think? I mean this is fun - really fun, and it's been easy and that's just the thing. It's so fun and easy we might just carry on doing it. And if we carry on doing it, it's going to get complicated. Like how are we ever gonna meet the person we're meant to be with if we're always _together_ , together? I mean, you don't give me butterflies and I'm pretty sure I don't give you them either."

"Hmm, yeah, meeting the person we're meant to be with and those darn butterflies," Clarke echoed, her body filling with a crippling anxiety she had been unfamiliar with before her father's death and certainly hadn't been expecting at this moment. Her heart was hammering and her stomach fluttering nauseously. Worst of all she wasn't even sure exactly what was causing it, just that Lexa's view on whatever it was between them felt like a kick in the teeth and the gut. She hadn't even been aware of her opinion on their relationship and how drastically it apparently contrasted with Lexa's, until that moment. 

"This is really nice, but it isn't everything, right?" Lexa shrugged against her back and Clarke thought she might actually be sick. She supposed these might be the fucking butterflies Lexa was so desperate to feel, or maybe this was just a moment where she realized that she had allowed herself to feel things for a girl that didn't feel them back. Maybe Lexa was right. Maybe love and lust aught to be accompanied by this feeling of sickness and fear, maybe it served as a warning - feel this way until you're sure your heart won't be broken. Or maybe this feeling wasn't butterflies at all, but actually crippling devastation She hated it. For the first time in months she'd felt a certain contentment. It wasn't happiness exactly but it was close, and there were moments of happiness. Her friendship with Lexa had created feelings of security and joy, a bubble where happiness could exist before memories of her loss crept in. Lexa had made her happy which was ridiculous considering how much she'd hated Lexa to begin with. She drew in a shaky breath, thankful she was a silent crier, that tears could slide down her cheeks and Lexa wouldn't know.

"I guess not," she managed to say and pushed herself up and away from where she'd been tucked in a cocoon of Lexa, standing with her back towards the other girl. "Look, I'm going to go take a shower."

"In the middle of the Walking Dead?" Lexa sounded utterly confused and it felt awful that she could be so hurt and Lexa so oblivious. That Lexa wasn't expecting any reaction to her words. "We can talk more about it if you want?"

"I don't want to talk. I just...want a shower."

"I could join you?" Lexa offered cautiously, "and not for sex if you don't feel like it. Just you know, be there. Wash your hair for you?" Maybe she wasn't altogether oblivious.

"No," she gave a terse shake of her head. "Maybe just go, yeah?"

"Go?" Lexa echoed, the first hint of emotion in her voice. 

"Hmm, probably for the best, right? More productive," she said and left the room.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow - that was an amazing response to the last chapter and this week has been so incredibly stressful so it was so nice to get all those comments. Thanks:)
> 
> A couple of people (or maybe the same person - anons on tumblr make it hard to tell) asked if I could do a bit of a character analysis, particularly Lexa. So I'm going to write a conversation between Lexa and someone...I don't know who yet, and post it on tumblr and here. I could write the character analysis but I explain things better in story form. 
> 
> Thanks to jaelle90 who helped me with this chapter.

**Ten**

**Lexa** : Clarke, please stop ignoring me. You're never in and you won't answer your phone and you're ignoring my messages. Please.

 **Lexa** : I think we should talk some more.

 **Clarke** : Why?

 **Lexa** : Clarke!! Because you're ignoring me. 

**Clarke** : I'm aware. Probably because it's not very 'productive' to continue whatever it was we were doing.

 **Lexa** : That's not fair. I thought we were friends! I get that maybe I upset you. Sometimes I say things and I haven't thought about how they might sound.

 **Clarke** : I think it sounded exactly as it was meant.

 **Lexa** : I just meant that whatever we were doing - it was just casual, right? And if I moved in it would make it all complicated and more serious than it should be. I like being friends, but I thought the mucking around would get messy. Am I wrong in thinking you were just using me for stress relief? That we took something that was mutual stress relief and let it seep into our friendship? Surely I did the right thing?

 **Clarke** : Yes, Lexa, you did.

 **Lexa** : Then I don't understand why you're ignoring me?

 **Clarke** : I know.

 **Lexa** : Explain it to me.

 **Clarke** : Let's just take a step back, ok? We'll speak another time. 

**Lexa** : I wanted to go see movie tomorrow. Can we go together?

 **Clarke** : I'm going to have to say no.

 **Lexa** : I miss you.

 **Clarke** : Do you?

 **Lexa** : Of course. Do you miss me?

 **Lexa** : Clarke?

 **Lexa** : Ok. A step back.

 **Lexa** : I guess you've gone.

 **Clarke** : Yes, I miss you Lexa.

**Eleven**

"Clarke," Lexa said her name and stared down at her where she was sat in the secluded corner in the basement of the library. There was no natural light and thus no one ever wanted to study there. It was dark, cold and depressing even in the middle of the summer. She'd assumed she'd never be found if she hid there. Lexa certainly never went there. Clarke ignored her greeting, doubling the efforts to read the words that were suddenly blurry. "You're avoiding me." Lexa sat in the chair beside her. 

"Not very well," she gestured to Lexa's obvious presence beside her. 

"You said take a step back, not total separation?" Lexa sounded vulnerable which hurt and pressed at her heart, but she was vulnerable too. 

"Well, I meant several steps back," she tried to sound detached but her throat was thick, that horrible tightness that meant she was struggling to keep tears and emotion contained. She wanted to run and yet it was so hard to walk away from the girl beside her, especially when green eyes were fixed on the table, an expression on her face that made Clarke want to wrap her arms around her. 

"Oh," Lexa's brow pursed. 

"I'm sorry," she didn't really know why she was apologizing, and even though it was genuine, it still came out sounding pointed and sarcastic. 

"I just...you don't answer my texts, and are never home and...I...." Lexa stuttered and her eyes squeezed shut. Clarke looked away and swallowed down the ache in her throat,

"Didn't stop you finding me," she mumbled coldly.

"No...right," Lexa stood up abruptly and then sat down again, so obviously uncertain. After a minute she spoke, her voice soft. "I miss you, Clarke. I, uh, got the librarian, Echo I think, I asked her to text me if you came here. Didn't figure you were any better at staying away from this place than me. I thought if we spoke face to face, that maybe...I don't know..."

"She told you I was here? God, she's a traitor," Clarke huffed because she'd asked the library girl to lie if Lexa came looking for her.

"Actually she's a friend," Lexa responded carefully. 

"To you," Clarke sighed, and shut her book, beginning to pack her bag. She had to leave because she could feel her emotions beginning to overwhelm her and she knew they'd come out as anger. She could feel it begin to crescendo, her heart racing, her body hot, and her mind clouding. That was the worst thing about when she was angry - her capacity to judge the words leaving her mouth dramatically reduced. 

"You're leaving?"

"Yes."

"Why."

"Because I'm trying to avoid you," she patronized meanly. "And this," she gestured between them, "it's ruining my success at that, and we both know I'm am over achiever."

"Isn't that a little childish? Isn't this all a little childish?" Lexa's brow pursed as she seemed to find some anger herself. Clarke felt her own swell all at once because yes, of course it was childish, but she wasn't entirely sure what else to do, how else to be, because that moment on the couch had changed something inside of her and she hadn't expected that. She was angry but also hurt, confused and she missed Lexa, missed her so much. When the silence persisted Lexa spoke again. "Why are you avoiding me, Clarke?" Her green eyes were fixed on her, so she knew Lexa had to have seen the effect that hearing her name in that over enunciated manner had.

"Because I don't enjoy being around you anymore," she was cold, ignoring the way Lexa pressed her lips together. 

"Right," she faltered, stood up and took a step back, brain clearly trying to calculate where this cold, hurtful vitriol had come from, especially when the Clarke she knew had been so upfront, warm and affectionate. 

"What were we even doing together?" Clarke could feel it all bubbling up, the need to shout and yell, to shake Lexa and have her see what seemed so obvious to her. The verbal rambling disorder that seemed to appear at these moments when all she wanted was to stay quiet. Because of course she couldn't make Lexa feel the same and that was why she'd pulled back. Stopped calling, not answered Lexa's texts, her calls, her emails. That was why she'd hidden, stopped going to the places she normally went. It was why in the height of summer she was hiding in a dark corner of the library where no one ever went, instead of sunning herself on a patio at some bar with Raven and Octavia. "Why are you even here?"

"What do you mean? I'm here because we're friends and you've been avoiding me. I think we should talk and this is where I finally found you."

"God you're annoying," Clarke huffed. "Do you always have to be so goddamned literal?

"I find the abstract hard. I find answering pointless questions again and again hard. And yes I'm annoying, but we established that early on," Lexa snapped. 

"I think you should leave me alone," Clarke bit her lip, trying to force all the word vomit back down. 

"Why? Just tell me why and of course I'll leave you alone. I just don't understand exactly what happened."

"You honestly have no clue why I'm upset?" Clarke scoffed, hurt even further that something that hurt her so badly could have been is such little consequence to the other girl.

"Because I thought we should end our casual sex thing? Because I don't want to move in? Because I want to be free to find the person I'm meant to be with? Why would any of that bother you when you were just using me for your own needs?" Lexa was shouting and Clarke winced at each accusation, but couldn't be fair because it all hurt too much.

"You're expecting fucking fire works," she burst out loudly. "You want butterflies and _knowing_ and all these things that you don't get from me. You're wanting these things and I can't give them to you. I don't give them to you. You weren't ever with me, you were with me for now, and..." she trailed off, breathing heavy, mind running over all the intimacies they'd shared that weren't sex. It wasn't actually about the goddamend sex. 

"What?" Lexa stared at her, clearly confused, cheeks flushed as she absorbed the word bullets Clarke had shot. 

"I didn't like you," she explained, "I wasn't attracted to you. You didn't give me butterflies. You irritated the fuck out of me..."

"As we established," Lexa masked the hurt well, just a tell tale raise of her chin giving it away. 

"You drove me crazy. You still do, except for some dumb reason I adore you. Your glasses are ugly but so fucking cute. You dress like you're an uptight politician and yet...fuck, you look sweet and you're not uptight, not at all, not when you're relaxed and comfortable. You're funny. Especially when you're being annoying on purpose. You don't give me butterflies, but when I'm with you I feel something better than butterflies. I feel contented and happy, and fuck...sometimes I love cuddling on the couch with you more than fucking. Sometimes I like beating the pants off you at backgammon more than fucking. And I've always been all about the sex. Why? _Why_?" her voice was higher pitched than normal as her throat closed up. 

"I don't know," Lexa had blanched as she stared at her, hands tugging the sleeves of her cardigan into balls in her palms.

"I didn't have a picture in my head of what falling in love would be like. I certainly didn't think I could ever fall in love with you. But I have," she looked away from Lexa before continuing, "and as you clearly don't feel the same...don't want that with me...or are expecting something more than what I think is just... _really fucking wonderful_...I just...I think we shouldn't hang out anymore."

Lexa stared at her and she waited for her to say something. And waited. And when the silence had lasted long enough that tears slipped past her eyelids, she grabbed her bag and left. And Lexa let her. 

**Twelve**

Clarke was feeling gross and disgusting and she was fairly sure that the summer she graduated, the summer before starting medical school, the summer after her father's death, would go down as one of the worst she'd ever experienced. Octavia had left the previous weekend which had sucked big time. She and Raven had spent several days in the park, sunning themselves and eating too much ice cream, before spending evenings drinking too much booze. She wasn't good with loss. First her father, and now Octavia. And worst of all seemed to be the Lexa shaped void in her head and her heart. It felt like everyone had left and taken her essence, that she was a shell of a person left behind. She knew she was depressed. It had been on the cards since her father had died, but she'd had work to focus on, work and sex and then Lexa. Now she had no work and Lexa was gone and it was hard because she didn't want sex anymore. She just wanted to read all day and drink all night and it was bad. 

It was two in the afternoon and she hadn't showered, hadn't changed out of her moose patterned pyjama bottoms and black tank. She was a slob but she didn't care. She sighed at the knock on the door, and muttering to herself went to answer it.

"Clarke," her mother smiled at her, a smile that faltered as her eyes assessed her daughter. 

"I'm depressed," she said by way of explanation.

"Depressed in that you need an intervention, or depressed in the sense that you're using a serious illness to describe PMS?"

"I think the former," she admitted and began to cry, crying that grew worse when her mother wrapped her arms around her. 

"What happened?"

"Dad died," she sobbed, messy tears and snot sinking into her moms shirt. "And Lexa left. And I have nothing to work on, no focus and...I just...feel so sad all the time."

"Lexa left?"

"I loved her but she didn't love me and now I don't know what to do because I didn't mean to love her, or expect to love her, but it's this feeling, this all consuming feeling that I can't seem to move past."

"Oh Clarke," her mother's sympathy, the hand to her hair, just made it all worse. "I'm sorry."

"God, it's not your fault."

"I should have checked in on you before now."

"Why are you even here?"

"It's Saturday. We arranged to go shopping this afternoon and then for dinner."

"Oh, right," she sniffled. "You may need to buy a new shirt."

"You may need a shower."

"Yeah. And some help."

"Let's talk over lunch and if you need something I'll write you a prescription. And we'll find you a therapist."

"I think that would be a good idea. Thank you."

"And I think maybe a job would be good. No one tells you how hard it is after you graduate. You expect euphoria and actually it lands kind of flat."

"Expectation versus reality. Kinda the problem for Lexa and I."

"Clarke, maybe she just needs time?"

"It's been three weeks."

"Go shower and we'll talk, ok? Let's go out and get some stationary for medical school. I know that nice stationary always brightens you up."

"It does," she admitted reluctantly, and kissed her moms cheek. "Thank you." She headed through to the bathroom and turned the shower on hot, the ache of missing Lexa strong and painful. 

After washing thoroughly because it had been a while, she contemplated shaving because she felt gross, but left it. She headed to her room for a loose t-shirt and shorts, shoving her feet in flip flops. She brushed out her hair and after a moment sighed and blow dried it, then added some mascara and lipstick. Great, she now at least looked like she was coping. She headed back down stairs and her mother stood to greet her. 

"You look lovely."

"I don't, but thanks. I have hairy legs."

"I don't care about hairy legs, Clarke," her mom squeezed her arm. "Why didn't you call me?" They headed to her car arm in arm.

"Because I know you miss him too."

"I do. But he shouldn't be a taboo subject Clarke. We loved him. If we can't talk about him then we lose our memories of him."

"You just never did," Clarke sniffled as her mother pulled into traffic. 

"I know. It's been hard. Hard to keep going."

"I just used college and sex and booze...to stop myself thinking."

"That's what Lexa was?" her mother side eyed her. 

"No. I don't know what Lexa was. I needed to borrow some notes...from when Dad..."

"It's ok, you can say it."

"From when dad died. From the lectures I missed. And Lexa's notes are the best. She was so annoying about it, so grudging and prissy and yet she was fun to tease, to talk to. So I went back. I wasn't interested. I didn't find her attractive."

"She's beautiful, Clarke!"

"I know, I know. Objectively speaking, I knew that, but I couldn't see it because she was such a little know it all. Except I began to adore her know-it-all-ness. I found her funny, and quirky, and resolutely herself. I began to find her attractive and one day I just...kissed her neck and she let me. She said at the end that it didn't mean anything. And I agreed. Because I don't give her butterflies."

"Butterflies?"

"Yeah."

"Right," her mom nodded, clearly wanting to say more than she was.

"We talked about it. I told her I don't believe in butterflies, not like in books and movies and stuff. And that was that."

"That was it?" Her mother frowned. "Nothing happened again?"

"No. We kept sleeping together. Well, I kept...oh god, I can't talk about this with you. You're my mother."

"I'm a doctor, it's fine. If it matters to the story, tell me."

"I would do her," Clarke stated delicately and her mom shook her head uncomprehendingly. "God mom, I made her come. She didn't do me, ok?"

"Ok," Abby's eyes widened and it almost made Clarke smile. "So...it was one sided?"

"No," Clarke shook her head feeling the sadness creep over her. "Afterwards we'd cuddle. She'd hold me close, play with my fingers, my hair and we'd talk. I could talk to her about dad. Both her parents died when she was eleven. And her brother."

"That must have been nice - to have someone to talk to who understood."

"It was. We'd study, talk, make out, just be close, be together. It was so nice. Really, really nice."

"So what happened?"

"When our final exam was done we went back to mine and she...she did me."

"You mean sex?"

"Yes mom. I mean sex. Really, really good sex. Before Lexa I had a lot of sex - with girls mostly. It helped me forget. Often I did them because it just...felt better. But sometimes it was mutual. But when Lexa made me... _feel good_ ," she phrased it delicately but could see her mom knew what she meant, "I don't know...I just felt really emotional. It was so good, but I wanted to cry and I don't know... I think I realized I'd fallen for her and yet I knew she hadn't fallen for me and maybe I knew then that I'd gone too far and yet I was powerless to stop it."

"Oh Clarke."

"Then she said hugged me and... and she said she knows the feeling, because she got it with me and I couldn't help thinking that maybe she did feel something but just didn't recognize it for what it was."

"Maybe that's true?" her mom looked so optimistic.

"Time passed and I...I guess I thought it was ok because it was so much fun to be with her. She was so good for me and I was good for her, helped her take time to live life, not just study for her future life."

"So what happened?"

"Three weeks ago, kind of out of the blue, she said she shouldn't move in. That it would be too convenient to keep doing what we're doing and if she kept doing me how would she ever meet her person."

"Oh Clarke, baby," Abby took her hand and squeezed it and Clarke was surprised to find herself sniffling again.

"I made it worse. She found me after days of me ignoring her. Asked me why. And I told her it was because I love her."

"And she said?"

"Nothing," Clarke admitted, her voice cracking. 

"That must have been really hard," even her mom sounded broken. 

"It was."

"So we need to be proactive now. Depression is a real thing and you have bottled all your grief from your father up and now Lexa. We'll get through this Clarke, ok?"

"Ok," she nodded.

*******

When they finally pulled up at her house Clarke was feeling a little better. She had bags of healthy groceries, she'd had a hair cut, her mom had insisted on paying for gym membership and she had new stationary - beautiful new stationary. They pulled the bags from the car and headed through the front garden which was noticeably overgrown. Then Clarke faltered, actually dropping her bag because the porch wasn't empty. Lexa was sat on the old porch swing with a suitcase and several boxes beside her. 

"Lexa?" she frowned.

"Hello Lexa," Abby smiled stiffly and Lexa returned the gesture weakly. "I'll go put the groceries away Clarke, then head into the back yard to read. I'm there if you need me."

"Thank you," Clarke picked up the bag of refrigerator items and handed it to her mom who headed inside. "Did my mom call you?" She asked Lexa suspiciously, as the front door closed behind Abby.

"No," Lexa shook her head, standing and taking a step towards her before stopping. "I...I've wanted to come here for a long time."

"Why are you here?"

"Because living with you would be convenient," Lexa said, as if the line at been rehearsed, waving a hand at the boxes around her, before twisting her fingers nervously together. 

"What?" Clarke felt like she'd been soccer punched, what with Lexa sat there amid all her stuff and her choice of words. She gripped onto the railing. 

"Fuck, that was meant to sound more romantic than it did. Not convenient for school, or because I need somewhere to live, I really don't, but because I could see you all the time. And I want to see you all the time."

"You do?"

"When you left, that day in the library. That day...that day when I said those things on the couch. The day when I hurt you..."

"I remember, trust me."

"I got this feeling inside of me. A feeling of wrong. Of fear."

"Yeah, I know the feeling," she squeezed the railing so tight her hand hurt.

"I don't even know what I thought it meant. I'm not even sure it matters. I know that you make me happy and if I could choose between going out or hanging with you I'd choose you every time. I know that when I have sex with you it's always good, would be even if I didn't come, because it's filling this need inside of me to be close with you and it makes me feel things. I don't know what things. Not butterflies, but love I think."

"I think love is more important than butterflies," she whispered.

"I didn't think you could have love without them, not really. I don't know what I thought, just that maybe...maybe things needed to be instantaneous, to be more dramatic," Lexa admitted. "I...I never really had much experience Clarke. I had one girlfriend and then when she and I finally had sex...it wasn't amazing or life changing, or fabulous. And I wanted more. I wanted those things. And you know I don't feel relaxed about sex. Not the way you do. It hadn't occurred to me that it might be more than stress relief to you. I thought you were using me to calm yourself, and it helped me feel calm too, and I didn't recognize how much that intimacy we shared meant. I saw it as mutual mental health management, not mutual affection, not feelings, not love. I missed the fact that both aspects of our relationship were growing at the same time. I...was trying to protect myself. And protect you. I got caught up in the fallacy of should."

"The what?"

"The fallacy of should. When we get hooked on the notion of what we should do, what we should feel, what it should be like. And it's a fallacy because there's no one way to feel these things. I wanted butterflies and I thought that any relationship that would work would have them. I thought they had to always be there but I didn't notice something better than butterflies slowly coming into existence."

"And now? What do you think about it now?"

"Well, I love you, don't I?" Lexa shrugged.

"Do you?" Clarke felt the nails of her left hand digging into her palm.

"I love you a lot. Am in love with you."

"But no butterflies?"

"Not unless you count that sick, horrible feeling when I lost you," Lexa moved towards her.

"I don't think we should count that."

"What about the way my heart hammers when we have sex?"

"I think that's just adrenalin," Clarke stepped closer. 

"What about how I feel right now?"

"How do you feel right now?"

"Scared," Lexa said the words quietly, "like I might lose you forever and I don't really like to think of that."

"You haven't lost me."

"No?" They were face to face now and Clarke slid her hands under Lexa's t-shirt, onto the smooth skin of her waist, before simply holding her, Lexa's forehead pressed to hers, "I missed you."

"I really missed you," Clarke sighed as Lexa's hand cupped her cheek. 

"You're beautiful. And lovely. And annoying and messy, and confident, and so fucking cocky. And I really think you might be perfect for me."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Can I please live with you? I mean...the boxes and stuff were symbolic but I really, really would like that."

"Yes. Though sex mustn't get in the way of school work."

"That's crazy talk. As if I would ever let that happen. I think you should be saying, 'cuddling must never get in the way of school work,' because that's where I'm a disaster..." Lexa smiled at her and she rolled her eyes feeling a pure ray of affection. 

"We can cuddle and do school work."

"And when it's done I can reward you with sex," Lexa pressed a kiss to her lips.

"Or with a game of backgammon, or reading, or watching TV. A relationship doesn't have to be all about sex, you know, Lexa?"

"A relationship, huh?"

"You just asked to move in with me, told me you love me, and suggested regular sex. I feel pretty safe calling it a relationship."

"I just like how it sounds, is all," Lexa giggled and Clarke realized how much she'd missed that sound.

"Me too."

"I'm sorry, Clarke. For making you feel the way I did."

"It's ok."

"It's not, not at all. I hurt you."

"Lexa it is ok. You don't ever have to believe the same things I do. Just because I am a cynic that doesn't believe in butterflies, doesn't mean you have to be too. Just don't forget that you get to write your own script on what butterflies mean to you. I don't think any of us on earth really feel the same. Two lesbians feel differently about their sexuality. Two straight guys feel differently. Love effects us all in different ways and so does sexual attraction and the media has us all think love happens in a given way, that sex does. Life is complicated and messy, and painful, and sometimes it's not cataclysmic. Sometimes it's simple and lovely, and adorable and really fucking good, and I think that's better."

"I think it is," Lexa pressed a kiss to her lips. "With you I don't feel just one thing really strongly. I feel everything."

"That's about the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

"Well, as your girlfriend, I'm glad."

"My girlfriend, huh?"

"Do we really have to go through this again?" Lexa rolled her eyes and Clarke simply kissed her.


End file.
